Posted on May 18th 2004, 4:44 pm
This morning has been a thoughtful one for me. One of the ways I deal with my emotions is by being very introspective. If I'm around friends, they all are like "you keep going off in a daze", which is true. I think. I think a lot. At first it's usually me thinking over the event over and over and letting it get to me, but after a while I actually let myself figure things out. This morning was that time for me.
Before I get into that though, lately I've had a lot of problems with people trivializing how I feel. A lot of "You shouldn't feel that way"s and "You should feel this way"s when the fact of the matter is, I do feel that way, and I don't feel the other way. Just because someone else sees it one way doesn't mean that the way I feel is wrong, nor does it mean they are wrong either. I just wish people would acknowledge that I feel a certain way before telling me how they feel about it. Emotions aren't something you can just turn off or change on a whim. They are there.
However, with that in mind, I probably haven't been handling my emotions well this past week. I think a lot of it has to do with finals stress as well as monetary stress. I remembered something this morning from my childhood that really put a lot of things into a new perspective for me. I have a major fear of rejection. I knew I feared it, but I didn't realize how far back it really goes. It goes all the way back to my early childhood.
The moment I realized I was transgender, that fear started. I must have been four or five. It was a fear that buried itself deep into my mind and set in. I was so afraid that if anyone found out about me being trans, I would lose everyone. I was so afraid of being rejected that I repressed those feelings entirely to the point of repressing even my memories. I was always a very visible geek growing up too. I liked star trek, so i got picked on a lot. I was never one to hide my interests. That just festered that fear of rejection.
As far as relationships go, from the start I was rejected. I had a huge crush in fourth grade that completely rejected me then. That set the trend for me for the next ten years. My first ever actual relationship came in my sophomore year in high school. I dated a girl for five months and then was dumped. She would have dumped me earlier too if it wasn't for a friend of mine. After that, I was so afraid of getting rejected like that, that I broke off any later relationship after a couple weeks. Though, that's more of a fear of being hurt, but I think they are very closely related.
When I came out as trans, for some reason the fear of rejection was outweighed by the need to find acceptance. I was bursting out of my skin and needed to get it out. It's amazing how emotions all work together. I knew more rejection was on it's way. I felt it with friends on certain levels, with family on many levels, and with religion on a fairly straight forward level. I think it was one thing that drove me to start up the website. I know being transgender isn't something to be afraid of, so I had the thought that if I educate people on it, they wont be afraid and reject me anymore.
So I guess when all of last weeks shit hit the fan, that fear kicked in strong. I felt rejected by everyone. It would seem that each time it happens, the fear grows. I lose a little bit of hope with it too. My self esteem was actually going up. This is why I will never have a huge ego. Everytime I get into the positive, something happens to beat me back down.
I really thought that girl was interested. I thought for once someone would see past the transgender and see the person behind it. For once, I wasn't getting rejected by someone I was interested in. I don't really blame her though. Even for me, a trans person is not on the top of my list for dating either. It's settling. Who wants to settle for something they don't want? It's not like we're shopping for candy bars here. I guess I just wanted some closure. After what happened with Sondra, I hate not knowing if things aren't going to happen. I just wanted a "Hey I'm not interested." That would have been easier to handle than this just ignoring me crap. It's cruel. It really is.
In a way it's a short recap of what happened before. It's exactly what I was afraid would happen. And it's my own fault since I let myself get so emotionally attached so quickly. What can I say though, I've been alone for two years. When the promising opportunity of a relationship comes, what am I going to do? I'm going to get excited and let my hopes fly. I think anyone would do the same. Anyway, I need to get to studying for my history final. I'll write less later...since this was so long. Bye.
When am I actually going to find someone? I should get a cat to keep me company.