Posted on March 11th 2004, 5:36 am
Wow it's been busy. This is the third time I've sat down to write this entry. Every time so far I've been interrupted by something important. But now, when it's really late at night and I should be sleeping, I have time. It's been a rollercoaster for sure.
So, I have that major crush on the lesbian girl. I was daydreaming all weekend about it. I knew I shouldn't be because everytime I get a crush and my hopes up, I get hurt. So all weekend I spent trying to not think about it and just move on. It sorta worked. I saw her Monday though and the spark flared up again. I was giddy....really giddy. Leslie saw the whole thing too. I'm sure she was getting tired of me talking about my crush the whole night.
Funny though, by Tuesday the infatuation had subsided somewhat. I felt good about that. It was nice to have a clear head for once. Looking back, I felt so stupid. I don't even know the girl. I have no reason to like her so much. I should maybe get to know her first...I mean really. How foolish can I be?
Today just reinforced my feelings of being foolish. I saw her, and she said hi in a very "not interested" way. Very casual and just kept going. It was at that moment. I really learned why they are called "crushes". It's because in the end, that's what happens to your heart. It gets crushed. And to top that off, I was sitting at the LGBT table for the Vagina Monologues surrounded by lots of women. A lot of them were dressed really nice and were all very pretty. The longer I was there, the more insecure I felt. My mood just went downhill all night. Great, only two more nights of that to go.
Here's the good news though. Yesterday I was informed that I have been named a "Vagina Warrior" and will be honored and given an award at the Friday night Vagina Monologues. I was so surprised and shocked when I heard that. I had no idea anything of the sort would happen. They gave me two VIP passes to the show. I have to go up on stage for this too. So, wow, what an honor. I don't even have a vagina yet. I'm going to go shopping tomorrow to find something to wear for it. I hope at least that night doesn't depress me.
Well, tomorrow is injection day and meeting day. I'll see her again, but I don't think it'll be anything special. Whatever happens will pretty much determine whether I even try anymore. I'm really thinking I'm just not meant to be with anyone. We'll find out. I'll write about it tomorrow night. For now I'm going to go and get some food. See ya.