Hey all. It's been a while. A lot of things have happened since any major update I've done in the past...geez...two years? Damn. I obviously don't write in here as much as I used to. Believe me, I think about it a lot. Yet I don't write. I don't know what changed in the last several years, but I've just kind of gone with it.

I'm not going to go over all the changes in my life since then right now because I came to write with a purpose in mind. Perhaps I'll do a more full life update later. Briefly though, for anyone that doesn't know, I no longer live in Iowa. I moved to Boston, Massachusetts about a year ago. There are a lot of reasons behind that, but to make a long story short, I needed a change. My career in Iowa reached probably the height of what it was going to be, and I wasn't growing anymore. I saw a few really cool opportunities, and one of them landed me in Boston.

Now, that out of the way, on to what's really on my mind. I've been feeling a bit empty, to be honest. I hesitate to use the phrase "Dead Inside" because I think that's too harsh. I should be more specific, too. I feel this way specifically when it comes to relationships and love. It's a feeling that's been persistent for a few years really. I don't think it goes as far back as when I first moved to Iowa and got my heart broken, but it could have started there and grown over time. I really don't know.

I have had a few relationships since then though. There were a couple of short lived girlfriends in that time, and they did make me feel pretty great during our time together. The problem for me is that something has happened in those relationships that has caused me to pull away. In one case it's been entirely my fault, in the case of a cautious, over protective heart and reading too far into a behavior. In another it's been realizing that I was in a relationship with a manipulator, despite my feelings towards her otherwise. It really sucks knowing that you really like someone, but they're wrong for you.

Since those relationships ended, I've made numerous attempts at dating. I've noticed a trend though. I feel nothing at all anymore. I haven't had butterflies in a long time now. I've been on dates with people who I should very much be interested in: smart, funny, beautiful, talented women. I go on dates and have fun. I geniunely enjoy their company, but there's just been no spark for me. I've had several women now that I've had to tell that I'm just not feeling anything. What's worse is that I know they really like me. They've told me so.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel anything anymore? It's this weird sensation like...maybe I'm just not meant to be in relationships. It's gotten so bad that I just stopped trying to date. I shut down my dating profile. I don't know if I'm just taking a short break or if I'm done for a good long time. I guess we'll see.

I've been thinking a lot about getting older, which is probably normal for someone who is in their mid 30s. I think Boston Pride was a bit of a catalyst for me in that regard. I was hanging out with some friends, and we went to this ladies outdoor dance party. We were surrounded by women, a lot of which were in their early to mid 20s. All I could feel is how uncomfortable and self-conscious I was. I was keenly aware of the shape of my body and how unhappy I am with my level of fitness lately. I was first feeling this at Google I/O this year, and this only exaccerbated those thoughts.

I haven't been doing anything with HEMA lately because of my lack of a car (I sold it last year) and how difficult it is to take a giant sword gear bag on the bus or train. Combine that with various foot problems I've had since moving here and a general sense of discouragement, and you can understand why I haven't put a lot of effort into going back. So I joined a gym and started going as much as I can. I've since lost 6 pounds since Pride about a month and a half ago. At least I'm doing something to help in a positive way. There's another big change coming, but I'll write about that later.

So yeah, between the confidence issues and the lack of ability to feel romantic feels, life is pretty blah right now. I've made some friends here in Boston, and they're great. I deeply miss my Iowa friends though. I wish I could move them all here to be in Boston with me (those of you reading this should seriously consider it!). I'm so glad that my professional life is going so great. At least I have that.

There it is. My first substantial post since becoming a New Englander. My apologies on one thing. I've not had time recently to add comment functionality on the new blog yet. So for now, feel free to comment on the Facebook post.

Live Long and Awesome.