I'm not happy.

Lately, and by lately I mean the past maybe four months or so, I've been feeling mostly just ok. I've had some fun times, some brief happiness here and there, but overall, I have this lingering dissatisfaction with life in general. My days are so routine. I wake up. I go to work. I come home. I feed myself. I attempt to keep myself occupied until I get tired. I go to sleep. Repeat. Nothing about it seems like something I could describe as fulfilling. It's really odd too, because someone commented on a picture of me the other day saying it always looks like I'm happy and enjoying life. I wish that were true. I guess I can put on a face well enough in a picture.

Some days I am social. In fact, I'd say it's more frequent than it used to be. I run in numerous circles, and I've had quite a number of weekend days that require me juggling overlapping events. I've felt bad because there's one circle that, for whatever reason, all of them are the more spontaneous types. They always ask me the day of or the day before an event, and it's always on the days I'm already booked for something that I was invited to weeks prior. Sorry, friends!

So yeah, it's not that I'm feeling like I don't get out or anything. I certainly have a lot of people that care about me. I know that. But I still sit here on the weekends staring at Netflix..or Facebook...or whatever...and I feel like I've just got half of a life. It's weird. Nothing is particularly interesting. I daydream a lot. I come up with plans to do something, but as of yet, I haven't followed through. Then I feel guilty for not following through, but not guilty enough to get motivated.

I feel like all my interests have died off. I haven't had the desire to play a video game in the better part of a year now. When I sit down and start a game, I play for all of maybe 15 minutes and I turn it off. They all seem so procedural and tedious compared to what I used to experience. I don't know if I'm losing interest in them overall or that I'm just depressed and everything isn't interesting. I suppose its possible that nothing that's out there right now interests me, but I guess it doesn't feel like that's the case. I just don't know what to think about it.

I can definitely say that my self confidence is quite low. My self worth is low too. I'm simultaneously lonely while also feeling like a relationship wouldn't work either. I'm not active on any sort of dating website. I'm not actively looking, and when I do get those feelings creeping up, I push them away consciously. If I find myself attracted to someone, I beat those feelings away. I tell myself that there's no way it would work. There's no way they find me attractive. I tell myself that I just make them uncomfortable or that they'd just hurt me in the end. I don't believe I'm desirable or attractive. Deep down, I feel like by not engaging in any sort of pursuit of romance, I'm saving both myself the heart break and the time of the lady I sought after. I also consciously know how deeply flawed these feelings are, but I cannot seem to fight them off or change them. They seem pretty deeply and firmly embedded in my psyche.

I know one thing that has me down is my house in El Paso, aka the second biggest mistake of my life. The house has been on the market for almost 2 months now. There've been maybe 5 showings total since it went on the market. The area where my house is located has something like 22 homes for sale within a couple of square miles. The El Paso market is saturated. I have a feeling the house will be on the market for a long time. I'm thankful I can manage the payments, but even so, it's the last remaining item tying my ex fiancee to me. It needs to go so I can close that chapter of my life and move on fully. It feels like an anchor keeping me stuck in the past.

All that aside, I struggle knowing what will make me happier. My daily grind definitely isn't it. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything else. I feel like I'm trapped in quicksand. I have all these ideas swimming in my head that I daydream about all the time. Yet I can't take those dreams and get myself to do anything with them. All this depressive muck has me mired in melancholy.

I told one of my coworkers recently that every day I leave the office and I look up. I wishfully stare at the sky imagining myself heading up towards the clouds, feeling the wind in my hair and anywhere in the world before me. I'm not exaggerating either. I literally do this every day. So the question remains: what do I want out of this short time I have on this rock? What will help me to be happy?

I sure as hell don't know.