That's right! I have a new girlfriend. Her name is Portable Weighted Companion Cube. I call her Portia for short. Portia will never leave me. Here's her latest selfie and a nice picture of us cuddling together:

And the reason Portia won't leave me:

Best Girlfriend Ever. I'm sorry to all who don't play video games, don't know about the game Portal, and have no idea of what a Portable Weighted Companion Cube is. This joke is completely wasted on you, and I'm sorry. That said, Portal's a fun game and you should totally play it.

Plans for the Future

I've been starting to think clearly about my future plans. I don't plan on staying in the residence I'm in right now. My lease is up in another six months. Once that's done, I'm going to move closer to West Des Moines, where my work is located. It'll mean less commute time, less money on gas, and hopefully a lower rent cost. I like the place I'm in, but with the cost as it is, the memories, and the location, it's just not the right fit. I'm going to try to find a duplex like the one I lived in with the ex back in Eau Claire. It was a 1200 square foot place with an unfinished basement, and that's more than enough to suit my needs. Here's hoping I can find something like that. I have the time. So it shouldn't be impossible.

Vlog

I've started a vlog! Those that have known me a long time or that read my blog in the past know that I have a history with video production. I haven't used those skills in a long while. In fact, it's probably been 4 years since I last was able to do any video work. I have plenty of time now, and I thought why the heck not. So I bought a tripod, some cheap work lights, and started shooting. It was a lot of fun. It's a little awkward, but hey, I'm a little awkward. So it's perfect. I've been getting suggestions from friends on what I should do for topics on future vlogs. I don't intend to do the same type of content on there as I would here on my blog. It should be a lot of fun. If you have ideas on what you'd like to hear about in my vlog, please add them in the comments. If you're interested, here it is:

 

Hobbies

Speaking of hobbies, a few have come to mind that I'd like to pursue. First, I picked up a refurbished Kitchenaid mixer, and I started baking. This is a hobby I've had since I was a kid, and I love it. Baking is great because it involves making tasty treats. I finally was able to successfully bake snickerdoodle cookies. I found a good recipe, and that's both a blessing and a curse. They are my favorite.

A friend of mine suggested sewing. When I was younger, I enjoyed sewing. I used to throw together costumes and what not using my mom's sewing machine. I actually don't own one right now. The sewing machine that was here was not mine. So I'll have to get one before I can start up, but I'm very interested. I have a bunch of patterns that I'd love to play with. I think I could have a lot of fun with it. Plus, I have a screen accurate Jedi robe that needs to be finished as well as the rest of the Jedi costume.

Website plans

I mention in the vlog about my website url, and I've mentioned in recent blog posts that I want to do something with this site. I have been brainstorming, and I know what I intend to do. My plan for the next several weeks is to find some time to throw together a prototype user interface. I have some fun ideas I want to try out. Once I have it together, I'm going to post a link to it here, and everyone can check it out. That'll allow me to get some feedback before I move forward with it. So watch for that.

Health and Stuff

I'm happy to report that my appetite has fully returned. I'm eating normally again, and that includes my taste for sweets. This is a good sign. My weight has been holding steady too. I've made myself several real home-cooked meals now, and it's so much better than eating freezer meals. I'll be endeavoring to cook as much for myself as I can going forward. Now that I've re-learned how to cook for one person, it's not so bad.

I've also noticed that my interests that I used to share with my ex I'm now starting to feel ok enjoying again. I've started watching SourceFed again as well as several other YouTube channels. It still feels a little weird, but I've decided to just deal with that. It doesn't make me focus on memories so much anymore, and that's great. It's nice to get back to a semblance of normalcy.

Bad Habits and Phobias

I don't know why, but for some reason, maybe personal growth reasons, I feel like talking about some weirdness about me as well as some bad habits of mine that I'd really like to purge if I can. Let's start with bad habits. I chew my cuticles. That's a mild understatement. I have a compulsion to do so. Apparently I have subconsciously attached myself to this idea that I don't like the feeling of rough cuticles, hang nails, and damaged skin. What's my response? Chew on them. That's so smart because it makes things worse. Chewing cuticles = more hang nails = more rough skin = bleeding = pain. I loathe this habit, but I can't seem to kick it. It seems to happen more when I'm anxious about something or deep in thought. It's also something that happens when I'm driving and not wearing gloves. I wish I could somehow get rid of this habit. It would make me and my fingers very happy.

Everyone has things they are afraid of, but not everyone has a legitimate phobia. A phobia is irrational fear of something. I have one, and it's weird. It's been with me ever since my childhood, and I have no idea why. I have a phobia of buttons. Not buttons, the kind you press, but buttons the kind on clothing. You'll never see me wear anything with buttons on it. Some are ok and tolerable. Like, the button on jeans are ok. Larger buttons, like on a coat, are ok. Buttons on a button down shirt...no. Anything around that size, nope nope nope. I have no clue where or why. I know it's completely irrational. I also know I can't control the reaction my body has to it.

Anyway, I don't know why I felt like sharing that, but there it is. Feel free to share your thoughts on it in the comments if you like.

Social Calendar

My social calendar has been keeping me busy. I've been heading to more and more meetups. In fact, this week, I've had too many on my calendar. I've had to back out of one in order to give myself time to relax. That's a good problem to have. I think the kitties are annoyed though. I've been missing their 5:00 food time a lot, and they are quite vocal about it when I get home. (Side note: I've noticed that since the ex left with her cat, there has been a significant reduction in cat vomit around the house. Interesting...) All this aside, despite all the meetups, I haven't met anyone I really click with. I seriously miss having a best friend. Of all the holes left behind, this is the one that's been the hardest for me recently. I'm going to continue with the meetups though. It really helps me feel like I'm a part of something again.

Relationship Crap

After all of her stuff was moved out, I've had no reason to have contact with her. Cutting any ties to her and going no contact at all has been really good for me. There are no things around that really remind me of her too much anymore. I've been able to think of her as a piece of my past. It's made thinking of myself as single a lot easier. I have completely separated myself now. I still get a little lonely here and there, but it's regular loneliness. I'm not pining for her.

To add to that, it's been two months now, and I'm starting to feel like maybe it was for the best that she left me. I've grown very tired of having to move around to follow someone's career in order to make a relationship work. I've really wondered when we were going to be able to really settle down and put roots down. Now, that's totally an option. I'm happy about that. Once I start dating again, I'll find some nice Des Moines based lady that will make me happy.

I had a chat a week or so ago with an El Paso friend about a lot of things, but some of it involved the relationship ending. There was something about having that conversation that really helped me feel better. I think it was the fact that the friend really sympathized with me and wasn't happy with how Jess treated me in the end. It felt very justifying somehow. Family and friends that don't know my ex will always support me, but will always be biased (not that I'm complaining. Thanks for being so supportive!) Having someone that knew both of us pretty well support me, I think it just validated my feelings. It made me feel like it was ok to feel like I had just been shat upon (Side note: I don't know if I've ever been able to use the word shat in my blog before, and I'm rather proud of it.) Anyway, that conversation really helped me.

Otherwise, I'm doing ok. I'm not ready to date yet and probably won't be for a while, but that's ok. I really wish I was ready though. I'm happy to not be an emotional wreck anymore. I'd say I'm operating at a good 80%. That last 20 will just take time to slowly trickle back in. The biggest struggle for me right now is the lack of a best friend. I've had a good friend throughout most of my life. This is the first time I've been without someone to hang out with regularly. It's lonely, and I miss it.

Confidence and Breaking News

She is dating the person I thought she was. It's been confirmed by several folks now. Having someone toss you aside and immediately jump in to a relationship with someone that looks similar to you is pretty tough on the confidence. This week in particular has been difficult. I've been thinking about my challenges with dating throughout my life and how difficult it's been for me especially since transition 10 years ago. As a trans woman, I struggle with feeling like I'm just completely undesirable. Both hetero and homosexual people don't have to come out to their potential mates. I do, and I have to worry about whether this person that was attracted to me just a minute earlier will freak out that I'm trans and reject me. To top it off, I'm most attracted to the stereotypical straight girl, which are 99 times out of 100...straight. That last 1 is typically into masculine women. So, my pool that was already limited is even more limited. I really do feel like unwanted, tossed out trash. It's really hard to feel any sort of confidence with that running through my head.

After finding out about that relationship, I find myself wondering how long it was going on before the breakup. She obviously wasn't honest with me about her feelings. So I don't believe for a second that there wasn't stuff going on in the months leading up to the move and thereafter. It really tells a lot about what she felt about me.  I feel like a fool. I can't believe how she pulled the wool over my eyes. I honestly feel like the person I knew never existed. I thought she was done taking things from me, and now I feel like she just took my self worth away. All that said, she doesn't deserve me and never did.