Posted on December 9th 2013, 4:35 am
Three weeks have passed. It feels like an eternity. This weekend was the first full weekend I spent by myself in the house. It was hard, but I made it through without crying. Though I guess I can't say that yet being that there's still a few hours left. Still, I guess that's progress. I can't help but sigh a lot lately though. I sigh long, deep sighs, and sometimes afterwards I drop a quiet f-bomb. It's just how I feel. I can't help it.
I spent much of the time this weekend moving boxes, packing stuff, and rearranging. It wasn't easy. Sometimes you stumble across something that brings back a vivid memory. So it's easy to say there's been a lot of thinking going on. I wouldn't say I've enjoyed packing things up, but in some ways I guess it's been therapeutic. The house does feel more like mine now. Not quite completely, but it'll get there. There's still more to do.
One thing that I have noticed that has surprised me: wow, she has a lot of stuff! I didn't realize how much of what was here was hers. It's a good 2/3rds of what's here, at least. Once all of this stuff is out of my place, I'll have more room than I'll know what to do with. The closets are quickly emptying, as is the storage area in my garage. With all the moving, I guess I've kept my stuff fairly pared down. Whenever I leave this place, I'll have a much easier time of relocating.
The hardest part is when our stuff is intermixed. It means I have to open and go through all the stuff in a given box. That's probably the most emotional for me. I can easily grab a box of her stuff and move it, but when I have to go through all of it, it's like acknowledging reality. I've been avoiding it, honestly. I tend to set those boxes aside to be addressed at a later time. I figure I may be a bit stronger and able to handle it in a week. Right now, not as much.
On Friday, I decided to head to the furniture store. I found a couple of really good deals and will have a new couch and table delivered in a week. At that point, the downstairs should be almost all my things. There's only one item of furniture remaining after that: her dresser. All of her clothes are still in it. For some reason, I feel like packing up her clothing is a strange invasion of her privacy despite having put her clothing away after laundry countless times. I guess it's different now. I may just leave it all there and have her take care of it when she actually moves it all out. Her dresser is way too heavy for me to move by myself anyway. Plus, I know it's important to her. I'll let her take care of it.
I rent a two bedroom, two and a half bath condo. When we moved here, the plan was to have the extra bedroom be a video game room. I had built a gaming pc earlier in the year, and she was in the process of doing the same. The plan was to eventually have both of our gaming setups in the room so we could game together. She hadn't finished her machine by the time of the breakup. So, my computer was the only one in there. Now that everything has gone to crap, I've decided to move things around. The loft area that is in between the bedrooms is the perfect size for my desk. So I spent a bunch of time moving the desk between Saturday and Sunday. It's too big to fit through the door. So, I had to disassemble parts of it and reassemble it again in the loft. It was a big mess, but it's done now and looks really nice. Plus, it's warmer in the loft and has more light. I think it's a better fit.
It's occurred to me that now that the extra room will be empty, I could possibly take on a roommate. Each bedroom has a full bath attached. So that makes things easy. No worries about how to deal with shower times and privacy. I'd just have to find a new place to put the cat boxes, which isn't a big deal. Having a roommate might be a good thing. I'd feel less alone. It'd be nice to have someone to chat with...though that's in a good roommate situation. There's also the downsides. I don't want to have to deal with dirty dishes, messy people, and annoyances. It would help me save a bit of money though. Otherwise, I can find a bed and make it a real guest room. It would be nice to be able to offer hospitality to those that come to visit. Something to think about.
I'm happy to report that I'm getting out of the house here and there. Today I went to a meetup in West Des Moines. I met a bunch of new people, and will very likely go back. It was a bit scary getting there due to the weather. We had a bunch of snow come through, and the roads were icy. There were some nasty accidents that had happened, and there was one point that I had trouble stopping due to the ice. I probably shouldn't have gone out, but I made it to and from in one piece. It was fun. I enjoyed being around people instead of being holed up at home. I also have three things this week on my social calendar. I'll be heading out to have drinks with a few new friends on several nights as well as a party next weekend. That means fewer days alone, which is good.
It's still a struggle for me though, the day to day. I think about her almost all the time. I still get very sad throughout the day. The extremes aren't as bad as they were, but it's still hard. I still have moments when I realize that I won't experience x or y again. I think back on how we met, and how well we fit together. We really were two peas in a pod. It'll be very hard to find someone as amazing as she was.
One of my old friends was chatting with me this weekend, and I mentioned how I've never felt so alone. She asked me "Why do you feel you need someone?" and I realized her perspective was of someone that hasn't ever been in a long term relationship. Prior to my relationship with Jess, being alone was different. I felt alone, but not like I do now. Having someone in my life that I had such a close bond with; a person that I didn't think of as a separate person from me... It's a feeling like none other. I never used to understand why some of my friends would leave a long relationship and immediately jump into another. Now I get it. It's that feeling of emptiness that follows. I never would have understood anyone if they tried to describe this to me before Jess. Now I long for that void to be filled again. I know it'll happen, eventually...when I'm ready.
I truly look forward to the day that she isn't the only thing I write about and think about. Until then, I miss her. I miss her so much.