"Why am I the one always packing up my stuff?" - Fun.

I've decided that it's time to start taking this place I reside in for myself. My ex's new place doesn't open up until January 1st. So in the meantime, all of her things are still here in my place. This poses a bit of a problem because it's all a fresh reminder of everything. So, I've started to de-ex my house. I have plenty of room in the garage now that there's only one car parked there. So I've started stacking anything that isn't affected by colder temperatures out there. I figure then I only have to see all of it when I enter or leave the garage. It won't be so bad. I've also started moving around some things so it doesn't quite resemble the same configuration as it did when she was here.

It's a good, but difficult thing to do. As I move her stuff around or pack it into a box, I think about all the memories we shared with those items. Tonight I've taken a break from it, but last night I felt that familiar tug of heartache the entire time I was moving stuff around. I can't say that I'm enjoying it. It's funny though. When she and I first moved in together, I was worried about not having enough space and losing that time alone that I was all too familiar and comfortable with. Now I'm afraid of the empty space in the house and all the time alone.

"How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave, Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears. You're the only one who really knew me at all." - Phil Collins

Recently, Jess and I had started watching the YouTube show SourceFed. I've tried to watch it since the breakup, but I can't enjoy it like I used to. There's a feel that I get when I watch it, and it takes away from my ability to enjoy it. Same goes for TableTop, Destructoid, Rev3Games, and just about anything else we watched or did together. I caught myself saying "Bitches" the other day, which is a phrase I picked up for her to be used in place of "Dammit". That also gave me a weird feel. Three years ago, I shared my first ever drink of alcohol with her, and I'll probably think of her every time I have a drink because of that. I wonder if I'll ever be able to enjoy those things again in the same way.

She emailed me earlier this week, and it was very friendly. She shared a bit about her new place and whatnot. I was happy to hear from her, but at the same time, I'm caught. I have this feeling of still wanting her in my life mixed with a "she can't have it both ways" mindset. That part of me that's angry and hurt is fighting with the part that's still clinging on to the idea of her and I being together. I'm doing my best to just be cordial and ignore both of those pulls. I'm just not sure how to reconcile how I feel yet.

"But if my silence made you leave, then that would be my worst mistake. So I will share this room with you, and you can have this heart to break." - Billy Joel

What I can say is that the false hope has faded. I know she's not coming back. Well, let me rephrase that. If she did come back, it would be a huge surprise. I don't expect it nor do I think it's realistic to even wish for it. If there was any doubt in her mind about us, she wouldn't have broken up with me. It sucks, but that's the reality. There's no sense in my trying to convince myself otherwise, nor is it healthy.

I'm finding myself with questions though. In particular, I know that relationships and decisions don't happen in a vacuum. When a relationship like this ends, it's not just one person's fault. Both are responsible in some way. Her feelings changed, but that doesn't just happen. So, I'm left wondering what did I do, consciously or not, that caused her to be less attracted to me? I'd like to know, if even just for closure and personal growth. It hurts knowing that I very likely did something somehow to affect her feelings though.

"So come and get me, Let me get in that sinking feeling that says my heart is on an all time low. So don't expect me to behave perfectly and wear that sunny smile. My guess is I'm in for a cloudy and overcast"  - Freddie Mercury

Depression can be addictive. I've dealt with it many times throughout my life. I'm very familiar with the feeling and know that in some ways it can be comforting. It's like a warm, sad blanket that wraps around your body. It's easy to get stuck in it. I'm hoping that doesn't happen this time. It's probably a good sign that I'm sick of crying, but that doesn't stop it from happening. I cried after moving some of her stuff around yesterday. I cried in front of my doctor today. I cried listening to music at work. It sneaks up on me now. I'm doing fine, and then bam...tears. Plus, I feel like a jerk by leaning on some friends so much. I'm thankful they're there, but I don't want to burden them with my emotional crap either.

I've definitely noticed that time moves much slower now than it did. Time flies when you're having fun, and I'm definitely not having fun right now. I'm also a lot quieter. I've noticed that I keep to myself more. I'm guessing that's natural given what I'm feeling, but I'm pretty sure my new teammates think I'm a bit boring and antisocial. I'm not intending to be that way, but I can't help it right now.

As per usual, thanks to all my friends for reading this, for chatting with me, and for being there for me through this time. It really does help. I feel less alone when you guys comment, message, call, or what have you.  It means a lot that you would take time out of your lives to do so.  I am eternally grateful.

"When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful. Every hour we spent together lives within my heart. When she loved me." - Sarah McLachlan (song by Randy Newman)