The Thanksgiving holiday was good. It reinvigorated my heart and soul to see my family and be surrounded by the people that love me. I didn't realize how much I needed to see them after recent events. I'm so thankful that I have them. I don't know how I would have made it through the holiday without them.  There was a lot of time talking and catching up with my siblings and parents. My younger sister, her husband, and I went out late on Thursday night to do some Black Friday shopping. It was a good time.

In fact, I hadn't intended on doing any shopping, but it occurred to me that night that there were a lot of things that were going to be missing after Jess moves her stuff out. So, I figured why not replace it when all the sales were happening. I got some great deals and didn't spend that much. So, I feel less dependent on some of the stuff that's here and not mine. I plan to start rearranging the house and moving her stuff into the garage. I'd like to retake this place for me and make it mine. I may not feel so terrible coming home after that what with all the reminders of her moved. We'll see.

There were some great times with the fam this weekend. I felt my sense of humor come back. So that's progress, I guess. I got to spend time with my nephews, which is always fun. They're growing up so fast. We continued our slow-to-start new family tradition of having a cookie day. We make Christmas cookies together as a family. It was a little early to have a cookie day, but it was fun. Any tradition that involves sweets is one I can enjoy. I brought a bottle of port and some fancy rum with me. We all shared some great wine and drinks. I think I want to make that a tradition too. It was a good one.

I did pretty well emotionally the whole time I was home. I vented a lot to my sister. She's the best. In fact, I managed to make it all the way to Saturday without crying. My family never saw it happen, but I had a moment I found myself lost in thought and just couldn't hold it in. Thankfully my makeup didn't run or anything despite tears down my cheeks. I also managed to keep the puffy eyes to a minimum. I'm pretty sure no one noticed anything. I'm just grateful it was only one time there.

In fact, in the past week overall, the crying and the sadness had been fairly minimal. In my time building up to the holiday, I kept myself fairly distracted. I spent time chatting with an old coworker and catching up. I listened to an ebook by Penn Jillette while I made the five and a half hour drive. I Skyped with an old friend from Pennsylvania, and I watched some Netflix shows. Even with all of that, I still find myself lost in thoughts and memories frequently, but I've been doing an ok job of keeping it together.

That said, my brain hasn't fully accepted that she's not coming back yet. I continue to have these thoughts about all the little things, like the inside jokes, the looks we used to share with each other, and so on. I think about all the memories we shared together over the last few years. For brief moments, I feel like nothing's changed and we're still together. Then that feeling fades, and I feel empty again. There's a part of my brain going "NO NO NO NO!!!!" every time that happens. I'm not exactly bargaining with Jess, but my brain is going through that process. I feel like it's bargaining with me wether to accept that she's gone. Denial is tough. I really don't want her to be gone.

Jess and I have exchanged a few texts here and there, and she's very much all business and distant. That aspect alone hurts. While I think it'd probably hurt more if she wasn't distant, it feels cold. I know it's very hard for her too, and she's probably keeping distant to protect both herself and me. I know that, but I still feel that coldness regardless. Tonight I made the mistake of texting her and having more of a conversation. I shouldn't have, because I was already feeling down. It made me cry...a lot...out loud vocal sobbing crying. I told her I miss her and that I love her. I knew I shouldn't have done that, but I did it anyway. It was a stupid thing to do because it just makes things worse. I need to keep my emotional brain from breaching my defenses like that. I did the same thing on Saturday night when I visited her Facebook profile. It's stupid to do that, but I can't help that I want and need to reach out to the person that used to be my support.

If there's one thing that has been the most difficult recently is that lack of support. She was my confidant. I shared everything with her. I leaned on her and she leaned on me. Now that person in my  life is gone, and I have no one to share my innermost feelings with. It makes me feel so completely hollow and alone. I need my best friend again. I miss her so much.

I really wasn't looking forward to heading back to Iowa today. As I got underway on the drive, I started to feel my feelings slowly change over the 5 hours in the car. The closer I got to Iowa, the more sad I got. I started to feel the pull of heartache again. It feels like a real, physical pull. It's as if someone has a rope tied to your heart and is pulling on it as if to rip it through your ribcage. It makes me want to curl up and sob. Tonight has had it very strong in my chest.

Along with the sadness has been a rise in a bit of anger and feelings of betrayal. I had moments in the car that I wish I had access to a speed bag or punching bag. I just wanted to punch things. The feelings of betrayal come from the destruction of trust. She knew how my previous relationship ended and used to refer to my previous ex in a very negative way because of how I was treated. Because of that, I trusted Jess never to hurt me in the same way. Instead, she did the same thing...very abruptly dropped the bomb on me around Thanksgiving time. No warning....just boom.

On top of that, I was so committed and gave up a lot to be with her. I doubt anyone would have ever questioned my commitment to her. I gave up jobs and moved across the country twice in order to make the relationship work and continue. I lived in Texas, a state I never wanted to live in (no offense to Texans, it's just not for me), because that's where she was going. I would have followed her anywhere. She was my life, my future, and I would have done just about anything for her.  All that said, I don't want to make it sound like I feel like she owes me anything because of what I gave up. That's not how I feel at all. I'd gladly do all that again if it meant a happy future with her. I want her to be happy. I just feel like...shit...all that just to be dumped. Really makes me think.

As I was almost back to my place in Iowa today, that irrational, hopeful part of me was imagining her at my place when I got home. I imagined pulling into the driveway and seeing the living room lights on, opening the garage, and seeing her car parked there. I imagined her announcing to me that she'd changed her mind and wanted to come back to me. Naturally, that's not what happened. The living room was dark, and the garage was just as empty as it ever was. Still, if she did come back, how would I handle that? Now knowing that she's destroyed my trust and that she has the ability to suddenly not find me attractive, would I want to take her back. I think I'd want to initially, but I think I'd question it. If she came back, what would stop the possibility of her changing her mind again in 6 months. Then I'm right back where I am now. I'd like to think I'd say no, but I'd probably be the fool and say yes. If I was a somewhat smart fool, I'd say we start slowly...but of course...none of this matters. It's all just a dream.

After I get the place rearranged a bit, I'm going to start looking into meetups. I may consider a roommate just to keep the house less quiet. I don't know if I'm really wanting that, but just something to think about. I'm going to do my best to start trying to find friends. I need to find some people here that can fill my life up again. I think that'll help me heal a lot. In the meantime, I may do a lot of traveling in the coming weeks. I hope to keep my weekends filled with friends and distractions. It's time to find some new hobbies too. I'm looking into that. I'm sure I'll post about that as time passes.

I hope all of you had a great holiday. As usual, thank you to everyone for your support, your comments, and your hugs, both real and virtual. It all helps more than I can express.