For once I have stuff to talk about that's not my former relationship. I also have pictures!! Oooooo! Pictures!!! Yeah...so if you can't tell already, I'm in a better mood that's a bit more me. No, I'm not drunk. I've just had some things happen this week that really helped me move forward.

I'll start with the exciting news. For those that aren't gamers, there's a company called Valve that makes video games. They're responsible for games like Portal, Half Life, and Left 4 Dead. They're also behind the biggest gaming platform for PCs. It's called Steam. Through Steam, there's a store to buy games, a community, and a social network of sorts. It's a very successful platform and is very well known in the video game world. Valve has built a new operating system for gaming called SteamOS as well has hardware that's in the beta stage called Steam Machines. A few months ago they opened up applications to be a part of the hardware beta program. Only 300 people would get to participate. 400,000 people applied. I'm lucky enough to be one of the 300 people to get to participate.

When I got the email, I was ecstatic. I never get things like this happening to me. In a couple of days, my Steam Machine arrives, and I'll be playing with it quite a bit. I plan to do unboxing videos and review videos. I'm really looking forward to it. It'll be a welcome distraction. I said to some people that getting to be a part of this is my consolation prize for my fiancee leaving me. Hey, it's something, right? I really got my spirits lifted when I received notice, and it was a much needed lift.

Other fun news is that my new furniture was delivered on Saturday morning. I now have my own couch and kitchen table. I'm really happy with them so far, and I got a great deal on both of them. The couch is a bonded leather couch. So it's durable enough to hold up to the kitties, but it's easier to clean than microfiber. My table is counter height and is a butterfly style. So, I'll have more room for things if I need it. The shelving under the table will likely come in handy. Here's what they look like:

So that's exciting. Aside from that, I did some stupid things this week too. Namely, my ex contacted me saying she was going to come and pick up her two gaming consoles later in the week. I suggested that we get dinner together if she's coming out. That was a dumb idea. I knew it when I asked. I felt this pull in which I was simultaneously aware how bad this idea was while also really just needing to see her. We decided on Friday, and I was getting nervous as the day approached.

When Friday came, and she came by, the moment I saw her, I felt myself get very emotional. I had all her stuff prepared and ready to go. So she was able to just grab it and put it in her car. I told her I also needed her to help me move her couch, as my couch was getting delivered the next morning. She agreed, and we took care of it. All during this, I was having trouble even looking at her. It was very difficult for me. We decided on a place to go, and we took separate cars. While we were driving there, I was fighting to hold my composure.

We got to the restaurant, parked, and started heading to the door. As we got half way there, I realized I wasn't going to be able to make it through dinner. I said it was a bad idea, and she said that it ok. She said we could do this when I'm ready. We headed back to our vehicles, and I started talking. I told her that while I'd really like to be friends with her, it may never happen. I also asked her for more answers because while I sort of get why she broke up with me, I really didn't understand it. I got that answer, and it really disappointed me.

It's mostly revolving around sex. She said there were other factors too, but sex was the big one. She thinks we never really clicked in bed, and that she feels like she was forcing her enjoyment of it for a long time. She doesn't feel like she has enjoyed it as much as she really feels she should have.

Before I continue, I was to say that this disappoints me so much because I thought what we had was a lot deeper than sex. It seems very superficial to me. While sex is certainly an important part of a romantic relationship, it's certainly not the defining thing that makes a relationship go. I'm not suggesting her feelings and her decision were wrong or right. I'm just saying it disappoints me. I thought we had a strong foundation and a lot more in our relationship.

Anyway...to continue, I asked her how long she had these feelings. She answered that they started before we moved to El Paso. That puts things back about a year and a half. I said to her that she should have brought it up to me then. She said it was a difficult thing to talk about. I responded with the question that blindsiding your partner 3 and a half years in that you want to breakup is a better option? I was upset.

A YEAR AND A HALF!! I'm sorry, but this makes me very angry. I'm not mad because she felt this way. She feels how she feels. I'm mad because she never once discussed this issue with me. It makes me feel like for the last year and a half, I've been living a lie. She wasn't completely honest with me, and for some reason, she felt that she couldn't be. She was afraid to discuss it. She kept these feelings inside for so long that they became a festering wound that rotted away the rest of her feelings for me. Being in a healthy relationship requires communication, and difficult topics absolutely need to be discussed. Yes, it's not easy, but this is something we could have fixed a year and a half ago. And if we weren't able to fix it, at least we would have tried...together. I thought she was mature enough to be able to handle the difficult stuff, but I guess not. I'm left feeling like maybe she wasn't the person I thought she was.

I got a few things of my chest. I told her that I felt cheated out of being able to fight for the relationship. I told her I just wanted my life back. Lastly though, I told her I wanted her to get her shit out of my house. She seemed slightly hurt and offended by my request. She informed me that she doesn't get to move in to her new place until January 27th. I offered to pay for a storage unit if need be, but she was more concerned about how she's having a friend visit from El Paso this week, and what not. Plus, she's heading to visit her family for the holidays on Wednesday. I insisted, and she said she'd come over and pack it. I told her even if she just gets it out of the place and into the garage, that's fine.

To be honest, I'm a little dumbfounded at her response. It's been a month, and her stuff is still in my place. Everyone I've talked to about this has been shocked it's not out of the house yet. People have told me that I should just throw her stuff out into the front yard. I'm not interested in being a storage facility for her things for two months. And yet...I backed down. That's right, I decided to be too nice, as usual. I realized that I could probably get it all packed up and in the garage this weekend. I even spent money on materials...something like 50 bucks for bubble wrap, boxes, dividers, and paper. I'm way too accommodating.

So I spent my weekend doing that...packing up my ex girlfriend's things, of which she has a lot. As of right now, 95% of her stuff is out of the house. The only things that remain are a few small kitchen items, her dresser, her TV, her computer case, and a few Nerf guns. I also have to go through the Christmas storage tubs because our stuff is co-mingled there. I need to sort through it. Oh, and I have to sort through the tools to figure out which stuff is mine and which is hers. Either way, it's mostly done and out of my hair. No longer am I looking at her stuff all the time.

After all of this, maybe the idea of dinner wasn't such a bad one. It ended up being exactly what I needed. I have a bit of closure now. I also have been able to move past the constant state of sadness and on to legitimate anger. That's progress. Anger is good. Anger is what I need right now. All that said, I still cried Friday night. This time though, it was sadness mixed with relief. I finally had the truth, and while disappointing, at least I can look forward now. I'm not constantly wondering why.

Two more things, and then I'll move on. After what happened, I don't blame myself so much anymore. I do believe it takes two to tango, and that I will always share some responsibility for this happening. However, now I accept that this was mostly her. There was very little I could do without her opening up to me about her feelings. And secondly, I no longer am thinking of Jess as part of my self concept. She is separate from me now, and that's good for my healing process. I'm still not thrilled to be single, but I know it won't be forever. I will find someone new that will be better for me than Jess. I'll find that happiness again. I'm obviously not ready yet to start looking, but I will be, in time.

I went to the meetup again today, and the friends I made last week were there again. We chatted some more and exchanged phone numbers. It sounds like it's the start of a great friendship. I'm really looking forward to getting to know them better. So thats fun and exciting! I probably won't see them for a few weeks because of the holidays, but that's cool. I'll be busy with family and my steam machine.

I also may have a roommate. I haven't decided if I want a roommate or not, but the friend I hung out with last Thursday might be a really great fit. We discussed it tonight, and she's amenable to it. It would benefit both of us, and it sounds promising. Nothing's decided yet, but it could be really great. So I'm thinking about it.

The only other thing going on is something that has me a little concerned. I do mean little...not a lot concerned. I'm losing weight. While normally that would be a good thing, I'm pretty thin to begin with. I'm 5'11" and right before the breakup and before my bout with heartburn, I weighed in at 170 lbs. In a little over a month, I've lost over 10 pounds. It seems like it's not stopping. I weighed in this morning at 158.5. I've not been that light since high school. My appetite since the breakup has been significantly reduced. I used to be a junk food junkie and a cookie monster. I haven't been interested in either for a long time now. That's good, but I'm also not eating as much as I used to. So, I'll have to keep an eye on it.

So, what do you think? Am I making progress? Am I too accommodating? I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. Thanks!