Posted on November 20th 2013, 3:28 am
I told Jess on Sunday that I hoped that what she was experiencing was a dark night of the soul. Not in the religious sense, of course, but still. If you're not familiar with the term, in religion, it means someone has a spiritual crisis with their faith. I meant essentially that I hoped that Jess was experiencing a crisis of the feels when it comes to our relationship, but ultimately would get through it. It's a wishful thought on my part, but understandable I guess.
As I get through this, I want to really get out all of the detail of what I'm going through and feeling. Today was interesting. Yesterday I was able to keep myself composed throughout most of the work day. I felt more flat and numb then. Not the same today. I had a number of times that I almost fully lost my composure. I had to get up twice to step away and get myself back together. Otherwise, it was a bit of a constant struggle. Throughout the day, many messages of support came in, and I had a hard time reading them without getting emotional. I was a lot less focused on my work, despite trying so hard to throw myself into it. Thankfully my appetite came back.
I hadn't expected the physical sensations that also hit today. I got a bit of dizziness and tingles throughout my body. I think it's my body coming off of the adrenaline from the fight or flight emotional state this weekend. It's almost like a tipsy state where you've had a few drinks and your vision seems a bit wibbly wobbly. I also noticed that sinking, weighty feeling of depression that I'm all too familiar with. I haven't felt it in a very long time, but I know it well. I've decided that I'm just going to let all these feelings happen and experience them. There's no sense fighting them if I want to heal.
There were other little thought based things I noticed today, too. Like I'd be reading something, or something would happen, and my first thought was "I should share this with Jess later today when we talk about our day." That's followed up with that pang of reality. It's so hard because it just happens. There's no preventing it. There's the reminders too, when you're doing something and something pops up that reminds you of something she did or said at some point, but all you feel is this pain of knowing you'll never be experience that thing with her again.
I noticed how the energy has been sucked out of me. I move through the world so slowly now. I feel like I have no reason or desire to move any faster. I wonder if any of my coworkers have noticed, but my guess is probably not. In general, my understanding is that people are too busy attending to themselves to notice that kind of thing. No one there knows me that well either, but I'm definitely not acting like the person they have been working with up until now. So, who knows? I also wonder if anyone can see the sadness on my face. My eyes, my shoulders, my head...all feel heavy, and it feels like I have huge bags under my eyes, even though I'm sure I don't. I think a part of me wants someone to see and ask me what's wrong, but I guess I don't really expect that.
It's strange because there are so many things that up until now have been an accepted part of my life through her. There are people I knew through Jess that I'll probably never see again. I used to hear about things going on at the University that she works, and the research she's doing. I won't hear about that anymore. In fact, I won't have a tie to academia at all anymore. There are shows that she introduced me to that now only remind me of how much better they were when I watched them with her. I probably never would have started watching Doctor Who without her.
It's weird the things you miss, too. I miss waking up to her getting in the shower in the morning. I also miss the sound she made when she saw a photo of a fluffy kitty. I miss watching her fall asleep on the couch at 8:00 while we watched YouTube videos. I miss the way she would lean forward to imply that she wanted me to scratch her back. I'll miss watching her surround herself with Magic: the Gathering cards spending an entire weekend building and tearing apart decks. I'll miss her love of Lego too.
She's such a great cook, and I will never get to have some of those dishes again. We made a mean Thanksgiving dinner together. In fact, we really knew how to team cook a dinner. Food will never be the same without her. She has that ability to taste something and instantly know what's missing. I don't have that. Jess was also the first person I ever had alcohol with. I avoided it for so many years, and eventually I decided that I was ready and wanted to share it with someone. She introduced me to so much and just made me a better person.
All in all, today was a little better than yesterday and a little worse at the same time. I miss her so much. I want to say thank you to everyone that commented, sent me a note on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, called me or texted me. I am so thankful that I have so many wonderful friends that are willing to be supportive of me through this. You're the best.