Posted on September 20th 2003, 8:02 am
I've had a strange couple of days. Kinda slowly went down the depression slide over the course of the two days. Thursday I read an article in the school paper that really got me thinking. It was about a college senior that committed suicide this past week. He had been diagnosed with Obsessive/Compulsive disorder a long time ago. However, it didn't stop him from making tons of friends. He seemed to have touched everyone's life in a positive way. He apparently didn't know how loved he was. The majority of the article was of all his friends and acqaintences remembering and speaking their love for their friend. He had touched so many lives...it was just so sad. It made me think about how many lives I've touched. Now, I've never attempted suicide, and I actually haven't even thought about it since before HRT, but it just made me wonder what would have been said if it had been me. Who would miss me, who would I hurt by taking the easy way out?
The rest of thursday wasn't too exciting. It rained. I enjoyed the peaceful night though. I didn't have a whole lot to do for Friday. It was relaxing. I don't get to experience that too often anymore. However, I also figured out my finances and started paying bills. This scared me. After rent for next month combined with my bills, I'll literally have about 20 bucks. I'm getting kind of scared. I'm not sure I'll be able to eat soon. I've been trying to get a job, but nothing has really come my way yet. I did have an interview today, but it doesn't look like it's really going to bring in much. Plus, I'll be bored as hell doing that job too. It's way below my skills, and the guy interviewing me said so too. So yeah, I really don't want to have to bug my parents for money either. I see them in a week.
Anyway, Friday hit and it was a pretty easy day. However, Slowly but surely the happiness level started dropping. I don't know what started it, I just know it happened. I felt very lonely all day. When I came home, I ate dinner and watched some of Rorouni Kenshin, and I think even that helped with the depression. There was a party for my campus job tonight. For a while, I didn't really want to go. I was just not feeling up to it, but I told my friends from work that I'd be there. So, I just went anyway. Turns out it wasn't so bad. Though, when a large group of people showed up doubling the amount of people there, I was really uncomfortable. I seem to get that way. I'm just not comfortable in large groups. So I went to where there were the least amount of people and relaxed playing a video game for a while.
I just felt so separate from everyone. I wasn't in any mood to dance or anything. I can't drink. I'm not confident enough with my voice to yell or even talk loud. I'm self conscious about my appearance still. I know everyone is pretty much uncomfortable with getting too close to me. Though, I guess I really don't know there. My guess is that I fit in more than I think I do. People tell me I'm cool and they love me and all, but I guess I just feel like if I got into a situation, they really wouldn't stand by me. Maybe I just need more faith in them. I don't know. I just know that I feel alone despite the large groups of people.
Many times tonight I was reminded of what I am. There's all these genetic girls there, all wearing their sexy clothing and talking and stuff. And then there's me, I'm wearing a baby doll tee with a sweatshirt over it....nothing special, and I'm talking about an octave lower than all of them. I stand out so much. I hate that. And most likely I stand out only to me, but it still bothers me. So, that's where I am right now. I just hope tomorrow brings better things. My sixth laser treatment is tomorrow. Don't ask how I'm paying for it. I don't know either. I'll report on that tomorrow. I'm off to bed now though. G'night.