Posted on July 24th 2003, 8:03 am
I've noticed that no matter how much fun I have with my friends, after they leave, I am constantly reminded of how alone I am. I went to visit my best friend at his store tonight. His girlfriend, also one of my best friends, was there too. I love seeing them. They are such wonderful people. After the store closes at night, we frequently have sword fights in the parking lot. Well, he and I are trained with some sort of weapon. However, both of us are somewhat rusty. His girlfriend isn't, but we still include her. It's all in good fun anyway.
Everytime though, it seems as if he and I eventually go at it just him and me, and she get's singled out. I feel bad everytime this happens. She always looks so alone. And despite the fun her boyfriend and I are having, there's always this feeling like I'm being selfish. I'm taking away her boy. I really don't know what to do about it.
Even with that though, they always make me happy to see them. And they are always so happy together, even in bad times. I envy that more than they know. Every night after we all leave and start heading home, they're together in the car sharing the love they have between them. And I drive home in a silent, lonely car. I have no one. I guess that makes me an oxymoron. I love being with the people I love, yet I know I also love solitude. Maybe it's just that in a way, I feel as if all of my friends are going to get married and move on. They wont have time for me anymore. They'll have their families. And I'll continue to be alone. Maybe that's a childish thought, I don't know. But I can't help but think it.
Well, I better get to sleep. I have a long day ahead of me. G'night all.