I have a lot of frustrations in my life right now. None of them are easy to deal with. Some are not even in my control, but they are frustrating nonetheless.

Frustrations with Dating

So on a whim, I decided to put myself on Match.com. I think it was my way of dipping my toes in the water to see how ready I am to get back to dating. I'm fairly certain I'm not ready, but I really wish I was. I've had a few ladies chat with me, and one actually asked me out. I was hesitant at first because, as I said, I'm not sure that I'm ready, but I said sure. As the morning approached, I got a message from her stating that she had to be honest and that she didn't know I was trans. She isn't romantically interested in trans women. She offered to be friends, but honestly, it's a little hard for me to want that when someone is willing to categorically turn you away based on one aspect of you that has nothing to do with whether she was attracted to you in the first place or has any bearing on your personality at all.

I've dealt with this kind of thing throughout my life, as readers of old posts of my blog are likely aware. I've not been looking forward to dating. I've never been good at it, and when something like that happens, it just lowers my confidence even more. I find myself feeling like the last kid picked in gym class...aka the one no one wants on their team.

Let's contrast that with another experience I had. A week and a half ago, I went to a meetup. Afterwards, a guy at the event asked me for my number. Based on his conversation with me prior, I could tell he was interested. I don't think anyone has actively checked out my profile on meetup before talking to me before...pretty strong sign there. Anyway, out of curiosity, I gave it to him. He ended up asking me to hang out, and again, out of curiosity, I went.

My curiosity is simple. I know the guy is what straight women would say is attractive. I crave some semblance of "normalcy" in my life sometimes...whatever that means. I guess...being trans...being lesbian...having these overlapping minority identities can be overwhelming. Furthermore, if I was into guys, that would mean there's a lot more opportunities for me to date. Alas...I am not. There was nothing there for me...other than friendship. I can tell he's interested, but I've got nothing. I'm pretty sure it was just wishful thinking on my part. Being straight would open up a lot more dating options.

Back in the day, over ten years ago now, when I was in college, I used to discuss with my counselor about my attractions. I remember having conversations about how it would likely be easier for me as a lesbian because women are more understanding. I've actually found the opposite when it comes to dating. The lesbian community is less understanding than heterosexual men, and that's surprising to me. Perhaps it's just the numbers game. There are just more heterosexual men than lesbian women, and thus, more heterosexual men that are open to trans partners than lesbian women that are also open. Just a theory, but seems to be true based on experience.

So yeah...I'm still a lesbian. It's nice to know that pretty confidently though. Ultimately, I'm glad I'm getting out there, but yeah...not ready yet.

Frustrations with myself

I've largely disappointed myself lately. My motivation levels have been extremely low. I go to work. I come home. I sit on the couch, watch YouTube, and stare at social media. I have so many productive things I could be doing. My place could use a vacuuming. I have a website I want to build. I could start writing a book. I have a superhero story that I've wanted to write for years. Heck, I even have Netflix movies to watch. I do none of these things. I sit on my couch and look at Facebook, Google Plus, and Twitter. How. Lame.

My eating habits are pretty terrible. I eat better at work than I do at home. I come home and have a bowl or two of cereal because I have no desire to make anything of substance. I order pizza more than I should. At least I avoid soda at home. That's probably the only good thing I have going at home. Water and more water. Junk food is always a problem. I just wish I had the motivation to throw together some oven baked tilapia, or maybe some slow cooker recipes, or even something as simple as making a burger on the grill. I'm just so lazy!

I mentioned my usage of social media earlier, and honestly it concerns me. I spent entirely too much time staring at my computer screen. I totally view it as a huge waste of time, not that I don't like seeing what friends are saying. But I can probably cut back a lot and not miss anything. The sad thing is that I don't even post stuff. I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say. So I just lurk. It bothers me.

My confidence has been really not great. The only place I feel really confident and appreciated is at work. I'm very thankful for that. I really like my job and what I do. I just wish that feeling bled in to the rest of my life. I feel unattractive. In fact, when I post the occasional selfie on Facebook, I'm really surprised at the amount of lies, because I don't think very highly of the photo, myself. I know we're all our own worst critic, but I think I'm only seeing the negatives right now.

So yeah, I'm frustrated with myself. I know...I'm probably just being too hard on myself, but I guess that's a part of depression. I can only take it a day at a time.

Frustration with Distractions

And here I've been all talking about how I'm not doing enough with my life, I'm going to talk about the things I've been doing to distract from that. I started my YouTube channel, and it's been fun. My lack of motivation has been making it difficult to meet my goal of a new video a week, but I guess that's to be expected. I think likely a new video every other week is more realistic for me right now. Maybe I can ramp it up as I get a groove with it. I don't know. The motivation issue I mentioned earlier plays into that. I just have a hard time getting started. Once I do get started, I see it through to completion. I just need to push myself to get my butt off the couch and what not.

I have also been putting forth effort to not be a hermit. The meetups have been good, and I feel like I'm starting to have a group of friends that care about me. It's so hard being an adult trying to make new friends. I feel like I'm shoehorning myself into these people's lives. They may not feel that way, but I can't help but feel how I do. It's my nature, I guess.

I still regularly go to my dungeons and dragons group on Sundays. I've gotten used to it now, and I'm really enjoying it. I've bought the basic few books that are needed and am starting to really feel like a part of the party. My neutral good archer is really kicking some butt. It's actually made me consider picking up archery as a hobby. I used to do it a little bit as a kid, and I think in lieu of fencing due to a lack of rapier fighters here, I could do archery instead. Just something I'm toying with. Anyway, D&D is fun.

All those distractions aside, I feel like I don't take enough me time to just recover and relax. Instead of enjoying my burrito on the weekends, I'm constantly thinking "I should be working on my website", "I should be shooting another video right now", or "I need to write a new blog post". I stress myself out over not being productive enough and in doing so I worry that I'm not relaxing enough. How dumb is that?!! I'm chastising myself for pretty much all behavior. That's super healthy.

Remembering Depression

All of these experiences are reminding me of what it was like way back when I was struggling before transition, though not nearly as strong. I'd forgotten what depression is like: the lack of feelings about things, the lack of motivation, the lack of desire to do ANYTHING...even the things you enjoy. It's a black hole that pulls down at you all the time. It kind of feels like trying to run while under water. Everything is sluggish and takes more effort. Even writing this blog has been a serious challenge. I so desperately want to not be depressed...to be happy. I know it will come in time.  Some days I feel ok. There are days that I almost feel like things are back to normal. However, they don't last. It's always very fleeting. I can only hope those days get more frequent.

If there's one thing my therapist has helped me with, it's to not beat myself up for feeling sad. For a while, when I felt sad, I would feel like I should be further along in my healing process than that. It's been almost six months, dammit. I shouldn't be reduced to tears anymore...that sort of thing. My therapist has helped me accept that it's ok. There's nothing wrong with feeling sad. I can let myself cry and not feel like I'm reversing course or that somehow I'm a lesser human for not healing fast enough. There are going to be emotional fluctuations. I'll get through them. Ultimately, when I look back, I know I'm better than I was three months ago.

Dealing with Memories

I've told myself over the past few months that I'd know I was ready to date when the random memories and feelings would fade. What I mean by that is that sometimes something will be brought up that just triggers a memory. Maybe it's a conversation, maybe it's an item, maybe a location, or even just a stray thought. There's nothing that can be done to prevent them. They just happen, and they are frequent. It's a natural part of any relationship...my guess. Honestly, I think I'm going to have to come up with a new rubrik for when I'm ready, because I don't think those memories will stop. Maybe they won't feel so strong or be so vivid, but I think they will continue no matter what. The only thing that will help now is to build new, better memories. I can honestly say my anger is fading somewhat, and that's good. I don't like focusing on the anger and the negative. Those are dark side feelings.

Shortest section on the ex to date...how about that.

Positive Stuff

I decided to stop being lazy about getting contacts again. Living in the desert was terrible for wearing contacts. My eyes would dry out instantly and feel like there were things in my eyes. I pretty much gave up contacts entirely while living there. Now that I'm in a temperate climate again, I've been thinking about contacts again. I went back to the eye doctor and got some samples. I'm loving it. I'm still adjusting to them as daily wear, but it's getting more and more comfortable. I haven't work contacts daily like this for years. Today I ordered a full year's supply. So, unless I get lazy again...which is entirely possible...I will be wearing contacts for the foreseeable future.

Last weekend I also got myself out of the house. It was so nice out, and I really felt weird being inside. So I went for a walk with my camera. There's a park nearby with a small lake in it. I walked around the lake and took photos of the birds and the trees that were blooming. There were some red-winged blackbirds, Canada geese, swallows, and ducks. I ran into a family of geese that had a bunch of goslings around them. They were very adorable.

And if you haven't seen the latest episode of Jessica the Nerd, here it is:

I've also had some thoughts about actually doing something artistic. I've always been a photographer that just takes photos of things I like. I've never actually attempted any sort of art with it. I was giving thought to doing a self portrait series. Not selfies. Like...serious self portraits that reflect how I see myself. I think it could be really a neat way to express myself in a way I've never done so before. What do you think?