I heard this term "People Pleaser" recently, and I came to the realization that it really represents my personality well. I rarely say no to things. If I'm asked to help with something, to work on a particular task, or even to go out with someone, I'm likely going to say yes. Why? Because it's the easy path and it makes people happy. I don't like being the person that makes things difficult. I also don't want to disappoint people. So I go along with things. I'm realizing this is something about me that may need to change somewhat. Not completely, though, because I don't think this is a bad thing entirely. I think in general I also want to be a nice person, and by saying yes, I am being kind. Being kind is a very important thing to me. However, when it comes to things like dating, I need to stop.

Settling

I've come to the realization that I've settled a lot. My therapist and I were chatting, and I realized that there has really been only a couple of times in my life that I was genuinely attracted to whom I was with. All of these were back when I was in or just out of high school. That's a long time ago. That's not to say I haven't genuinely been in love or that attractions weren't there to some extent. I've realized that my ex was right in that I wasn't "looking at her with lustful eyes". I think I did in the beginning of the relationship, but I think perhaps it was because it was new and exciting. I think perhaps I wasn't as attracted to her as I'd have liked to be. I think I settled with her, despite the fact that i was deeply in love with her.

Attractions

I've spent a lot of time in my head thinking about my attractions, my desires, and what I want out of a relationship. I just want to be sure I know what I like and that I'm not trying to convince myself otherwise. I've also been trying to determine if I'm a sexual person or an asexual person. If I'm a sexual person, perhaps I just haven't had the right person in my life. I've come to a few conclusions, and some things are yet unanswered.

The first big thing is that I am, indeed, definitely attracted to women. I knew this before, but it's nice to confirm it. I can definitely tell when a guy is handsome, but men just don't draw me. Women captivate me and hold my attention. Certain women I can't take my eyes off of. They make my cheeks flush and my stomach all fluttery. If they get close to me, I feel like there's an inability for me to form words or coherent sentences. That's just the way it's always been for me. So there's that. Pretty clear as day. I also know that I am drawn to stereotypical females: essentially women that are probably even more feminine than I. I've noticed I tend to like thinner women and longer hair. Blonde hair tends to draw my subconscious attention more, but is by no means the only thing that draws me. I'm not very into the tomboyish ladies, the dykey ladies, the masculine / butch ladies. I really like girly girls.

Asexual vs sexual...that's a tough one that I still just don't know. I know my drive is lower from conversations with many people. However, I do know that I do HAVE a sex drive, even if it is just a lower libido than others. So the question I find myself asking is whether I don't care about sex or if I just haven't had the right partner because I've always settled. If it's the latter, then who knows. Maybe my world will change in a year or two when I try to find someone new. If the answer is the former, then I worry that I just won't find anyone that I'll ever be able to keep satisfied or happy. I don't want to see all of my future relationships start out awesome and quickly devolve into sisterly bonds and friendship because I'm not a sexy times person.

So I have more self discovery to do in that regard. I also find myself asking the question...did my last relationship continue for so long because I just wanted to be in love? Even though I was settling, I felt happy. I felt in love. I was totally committed and willing to spend my life with her. Is that a bad thing? I'd like to say no. Of course, in the end, it did hurt me more. So there's that.

Emotional State

As to where I am now in my healing process, I can say that the depression is not as bad as it was. There are some days I still feel down though. Friday nights are particularly bad. One thing I've definitely learned is that exciting things are less exciting, successes are less thrilling, and accomplishments feel less fulfilling without someone you love to share them with.  Otherwise, I feel like I've come out of my shell quite a bit in the past couple months. I don't feel like I'm wearing a depression mask anymore. I feel a bit more confident in who I am and feel like my personality is bubbling up to the surface again.

That being said, I'm still angry. When I have time to myself, my thoughts still return to how much I was wronged and how hurt I still am. I continually tell her off in my thoughts over and over. I still scream in my head at how she treated me. I know there is jealous rage going on in regards to the new girl she's with. I think about how the new girl spoke to me over Facebook on Thanksgiving, and it just makes me furious. I imagine folks telling both of them off for their behavior. I just want them to feel the pain I've felt.

And I know these thoughts are not getting me anywhere positive.

I just want them to fade away. I've put so much energy into this anger, and I'd rather put that energy elsewhere. I want to move forward and live my life to the fullest. I want to just be happy again. I'm not quite there yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for once. I'm almost through it. Just a little more time, and I think everything will be fine. I just wish that time was now.