Posted on February 3rd 2014, 4:00 am
This past week and a half has been interesting. I've had some really exciting emotional highs and some really deep emotional lows. The highs were for good reasons. The lows just sort of happened. Depression just rears its ugly head whenever it feels like and saps what joy was there. I've spent a lot of time dwelling on the past, which I'm not thrilled about. I've had a number of dreams that haven't been pleasant. They weren't nightmares, per se, but they involved a decepticon showing up. I have her on my mind even though I'm trying to focus on other things.
Let's start out with something random and fun.
A List of 10 Things I Enjoy
The pure sound of silence
I don't know what it is about this, but it brings a sense of peace to me. The world is filled with noise. It's a cacophony that affects me in ways I may not notice most of the time. However, there are times when all the sounds are gone. Sometimes it's late in the evening. Sometimes it's sitting in the car. Sometimes it happens when it's unexpected. Pure silence. When it happens, I will close my eyes and take it in. All that I can hear is the ringing sound of nothing...the background static of the world. It's something I deeply appreciate.
Waking up Naturally
I'd bet this is something a lot of people love. Waking up when you have nowhere to be and no alarm. Just that relaxing waking up because your body is rested. I cherish every morning this happens.
Music that moves me to Tears
I have a music background, and I love all different types of music. I don't actually hear the words in music unless I concentrate and focus on them. I listen more for the melodies and harmonies. I love classical music, movie scores, and video game scores because of their focus on emotional moments. It moves me in so many ways. I also love popular music that can do the same thing to me. Lately it's been a lot of Mumford and Sons, Great Big World, Daft Punk, Chopin, Beethoven, the Mass Effect 3 score, and some of Hans Zimmer's work.
The Smell of a Campfire
My family went camping a lot when I was little. We traveled all over the state of Wisconsin and across the United States. I saw so many beautiful things, like the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Smoky Mountains, Yellowstone National Park, the Grand Tetons, and Mesa Verde National Park. Of all those memories, I think my fondest is of my family sitting around the fire in the evening looking at the stars, roasting marshmallows, and taking in the sounds of nature. It's a smell and an experience I will always love.
Going along with the nature theme, I grew up next to a lake and a state forest. Deer and wild Turkeys would meander through my parents' back yard on almost a daily basis. We'd see birds of all sizes, like blue jays, doves, woodpeckers, orioles, and even larger ones. When I lived in Eau Claire, I watched a bear cross the highway. I've watched bald eagles catching fish in the Chippewa River in Eau Claire. On a field trip in high school, I canoed past a trumpeter swan and her cygnets. I had to duck under a bat when I lived in Eau Claire. It swooped in over my head when I went on the balcony to see what the strange motion was that I had seen earlier. I don't know why, but I love experiences like these. Nature is beautiful, and I love seeing all the other life on this planet.
Pulling the Plastic off of New Electronics
On a contrary note to the prior point, there are fewer greater joys in life than pulling the sheets of thin plastic off of a new electronic device. I'm talking the stuff they stick to every surface to protect it from scratches during transport. For some reason, this brings me great joy.
Opening up Packages
In a similar vein, I love it when a new item arrives via mail or a shipping company. I really enjoy opening the box up and seeing the contents inside. It's like Christmas, but in a much smaller sense. So fun.
The Smell of Coffee
Even before I drank coffee, I loved the smell of it. It took me a long time to enjoy the taste of coffee, but I could stand outside a Gloria Jeans, Starbucks, Caribou, or any other coffee shop and just smell the smells for hours. Unfortunately they are not like Jimmy Johns in offering free smells.
I'm pretty sure cinnamon is my favorite flavor. It beats out chocolate and almond in my book. I can eat cinnamon anything all day every day and be totally content in my food choices. Cinnamon Rolls, bread, toast, cookies...pretty much any baked good with cinnamon will make me happy. That said, I do not like cinnamon candy or liqueur. Once cinnamon gets to the hot cinnamon point, then I'm not interested. Warm cinnamon is great though.
Looking up at the Stars
This is particularly special in areas where there is very little light pollution. I love being able to look up and see the vast sky above me and the hundreds of billions of stars above. Something about it gives me hope while also making me feel infinitesimally small. I feel this strong pull to want to see what's out there and travel among the heavens. If only it were possible.
I released a new vlog, though it's more of a video review than a vlog. I had been thinking about posting my thoughts on the steam machine for a while now, and I finally took the time to shoot, edit and post them. If you're interested in such things, here's the video. I plan to return to silliness in my next video.
A week ago Thursday, I headed to a meet up that I had never attended before. A coworker of mine suggested it and said he met some really great people there. I wasn't sure what to expect. It was at a bar in an area that I was not familiar with. For the first time, Google Maps took me to the wrong place. I ended up finding it eventually. When I got there, I saw a group of 20 people sitting at a bunch of tables together. I sat down and joined the conversation, and for the first time since arriving in Iowa, I felt like I finally met MY people.
We chatted about Doctor Who, Star Trek, Star Wars, science, technology...it was fantastic. People all seemed to really be friendly and cool. I left that night feeling like a million bucks. After that, I went into the weekend with high spirits, and I used that energy to put out my vlog video that weekend. I've since gone back this past Thursday and will likely continue to go every week. It was a great time.
To add to that, I was invited by the very same coworkers friends to head up to Ames to play board games. It's always a little uncomfortable heading somewhere to meet a bunch of people you've never met before. It's certainly outside of my comfort zone. I don't regret it at all though. I had a great time, met some cool folks, and played several new games. I'd never touched Seven Wonders before or Power Grid. Both were a blast. I look forward to the next event.
Doing projects like my vlog have been really fulfilling lately. I think I've had a creative hole in my chest for a long time now. It's been nice to be able to stretch my legs and let that part out of me again. Today I chatted with a long time friend from the Milwaukee area about it, and she and I randomly discussed collaborating on a project together. Hearing her enthusiasm really lifted my spirits and gave me something to look forward to. It's been ages since I collaborated on any creative project with anyone. I think it will be incredibly fun to work on something together.
I think my mood lately has caused me to be more introverted than I normally am. I've found lately that unless I get myself outside of the house by sheer force of will, I will sit at home and huddle under a blanket on my couch. I spend a lot of time staring at my laptop screen. I have a habit of turning on my TV like I'm going to watch something, but the Chromecast just cycles through images while I sit and think. I feel like I've alienated one of my local friends because I'm not chatting or hanging out as much as I used to.
I've also noticed, now that my introverted nature has been pointed out, how much time I need to recover from social interaction. If I go somewhere on Saturday, I need Sunday to recover. If I have a very active weekend where I'm out and about a lot, the following weekend needs to be totally quiet and me time. I have to stagger my social days, or my recovery time is longer. This is not to say that I don't enjoy being social, or that I feel in any way put out when asked to do something. I enjoy it greatly, and the closer I am with someone or a group of friends, the less energy it takes.
I just bought a book called Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It was recommended to me, and I'm eager to read it. I'm hoping to learn more about myself as I go.
The last week and a half was matched in its highs and lows. Wednesdays seem to be bad days for me of late. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but my mood started sinking Wednesday evening and continued into the weekend. After the weekend prior, I had hoped I had beaten back the fantasies, the tears, and the focus on the past. Seems that's not the case. It comes in waves, I guess. By Friday night, I was crying on the floor of my living room. In fact, I cried a number of times this weekend.
I found myself focusing a lot of energy on the past. My mind wouldn't let go of reliving old memories and emotions. I wasn't intentionally doing so, and honestly I was a bit annoyed that I couldn't move away from those thoughts. I made mention earlier about my dreams. I ended up having several dreams this weekend featuring the decepticon that involved me asking a number of questions and generally feeling abandoned. I woke up already in this somber, self-defeating mood that stuck with me. On top of that, as much as I was looking forward to game night, I was also terrified. Ames is where she lives, and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I could run into her there. The fear was foolish, and I didn't encounter her at all. Still, it's like playing the lottery. Buying a ticket immediately increases your chances of winning. Just going to Ames increases the chance of me encountering her.
As I heal, I think I'm going to try to focus my energies into things that both distract and fulfill me in some way, like creative endeavors. I'm also going to try to keep myself looking forward. Looking to the past does me no good at all. All that said, I think it'll be much easier to do all of this in six to eight months when the house is sold, and I'm no longer living in a place that holds painful memories. I look forward to then.
Let me know some of the things you enjoy in the comments section below. I'd love to hear what you all have in your lists. As usual, thanks for reading.