I apologize. There's a lot of post-relationship angst in this blog post. Some of it spans multiple sections. I put a lot of that stuff on top because it's the most prevalent thing to happen in the last week. There's some other topics towards the bottom if you want to jump passed the angst. Be forewarned.

Relationship Crap

The news from last Wednesday hit me harder than I thought it would. It's been a rough week. I find myself set back in my healing at least a month, maybe more. I lost my appetite again and started losing more weight. I've found myself a bit further down in depression land too. It was so hard on me that any plans I had for anything this past weekend failed to happen. I got no video work done nor any personal project work. And I cried again. It had been a number of weeks since I shed tears relating to my past relationship, and suddenly I cried multiple times for several days.

I had serious trouble sleeping until Monday night too. I couldn't shut off the thoughts and memories streaming through my mind. I've been so angry. Any time I think about it, I get angry. Yet, no one would know because I hide it so well on the outside. The depression mask I wear is hard for most to see through, I think. I hate having to put that on, but it's really the only way to get through the days. I look calm and neutral on the outside, but inside I'm a sea of sadness and anger.

After all of these recent revelations, I realized I've been dreading the fact that I still have a connection to her via the house in El Paso. The fact that I still have to potentially talk to her because of issues with the house, or to put it on the market, and to negotiate it in the fall is not a good thought for me. And the thought of what if we can't sell it then? What then? I'd have to be stuck on a mortgage for the foreseeable future with the woman that completely broke my heart. So I made a choice. On Sunday, I emailed her and asked her to buy me out of the house. I really just want all ties cut at this point and to move on cleanly.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way. She responded very briefly that she would talk to the bank about it. After a few days, I heard back from her that the bank didn't give her news I wanted to hear. She can't afford to refinance. She suggested that if I wanted ties cut, I could refinance in my name.  That's just not going to happen. I told her that we moved there for her job, and she decided to end the relationship. Because of that, it should not be my responsibility to bear the burden of the house. It was very depressing to hear that news. I honestly don't want to have to communicate with her again, but it doesn't look like that's an option for me.

Funny though, how acting on my anxiety surrounding not wanting to talk to her ended up making things worse.

Anger

As I mentioned earlier, I've just been so angry. I'm definitely in the anger stage of loss. She said in her email that things have been hard for her too, and I get so mad when I read that because it's so insensitive that it's actually downright offensive. While I recognize that there no doubt has been pain involved for her, there just is no comparison to being the person in my shoes in the breakup. I want to tell her that she has no right to say that to me. I want to tell her that I'm actually seeing a therapist now because of what she did. I want to tell her how frequently I have fantasies about suicide pass through my mind because of her. I want to tell her that if she is emotionally healthy enough to already be in a relationship again, the pain is in now way comparable. Yet I do none of these things because I'm too damn nice.

I shout at her in my mind. I scream my feelings out over an over wishing I could say them out loud to her face. These thoughts wake me up at night and keep me awake for hours. At the same time, I know if I said them to her, I'd likely regret it later. On top of that, what good would it really do? She'd probably not attend to what I said anyway. I've given thought to writing a letter, not to send to her, but just to get these feelings out. I wouldn't post them here because I don't feel it's appropriate or professional to write these kinds of negative thoughts out on a public blog. But I do feel it would be good to write out my anger. It certainly would be better than keeping it pent up inside.

Depression

I watched a TED talk this week by Andrew Solomon about depression. He does such a good job of describing depression and how different people cope with it in such different ways. He talks about how some people have what would be considered mild depression and act miserable while others have what is considered very severe depression and look just fine on the outside. It really is amazing how the ability to cope with the pain is so different in people. He also said something that I thought was quite profound. He said that the opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality. Life seems more difficult when you're depressed. That's probably because it actually is more difficult.

I thought of a metaphor that I think describes depression well. A healthy person vs a depressed person is like an insulated house vs an uninsulated house. When you're healthy and you experience an emotion, that emotion sticks with you for a long time and takes very little energy to maintain that experience. It's like running the heat in a well insulated house. When you're depressed, you still feel positive emotions, but they don't linger very long. It takes a lot more energy to experience that emotion as well. I can physically feel the difference. Recently, I've smiled at something and I could feel the emotion leave me and my smile dissipate so quickly. In the past, that emotion would have lingered much longer.

I guess it's easy to read into this that I've been reading about depression because I have hit a full blown clinically depressive state. Last week's news really made me aware at how bad things were for me. As I mentioned in the anger section, I've been experiencing suicidal fantasies for a while now. Last week made it worse. I want everyone to know that I have started getting help with a therapist and that I'm going to be fine. Fantasizing and planning are two very different things. I'm not going to act on these thoughts. In a way they are a coping mechanism. They are just thoughts. I very much appreciate all of your concern though. If ever I have need, I know who to call if I need support.

Video Game Idea

I have an idea for a video game that I've been toying with based on this whole experience. The concept is a story based game where you play as a genderless stick figure person in a very vibrant and colorful world. The stick figure is happy and in a relationship, and at the very beginning of the game, that relationship ends. At that moment, the color in the world fades away, and even the outlines of the items in the world fade almost completely. It becomes hard to see much of anything except your character and one framed photograph of your character and the now ex parter. That photograph is the only thing that is colored in the room. The vibrance of the game represents your character's emotional health, and your goal is to return that color and vibrance to the world.

The first level of the game, your character moves very sluggishly. It takes a lot of button presses to do much of anything. Adding color will either be an action from a button press, or the result of interacting with things. As time passes and levels pass, the color becomes easier to restore and your character moves a lot quicker. However, there will be a point in the game in which your character encounters the ex-partner and loses a bunch of progress. In the end, the world will be restored, and it will be even more vibrant than before. The only item left that is colorless is the original photo that was in the first level. The game ends when your character meets a new person.

I think this is a cool concept for a game that I'd like to maybe pursue on my own. I'd like to capture moments of my healing process too, like the fleeting moments in which I forget that anything happened and then suddenly remember reality. Also, the difficulty of waking up in the morning, the constant stream of memories, the physical reminders, and the loneliness. I think it'd be a great creative outlet for me and definitely possible with the art style I'm thinking of. What do you think of this idea?

Friends

I've made progress on the friends front. One of my coworkers has been a really awesome person. We have a standing daily game of shuffleboard at work, which is fun. I lose a lot though. That's ok. I'm not playing because I want to win. He and I talk a lot and have a lot in common. It's been really nice to have someone around the workplace that's an open ear about most everything. We both have had personal struggles to deal with, and I think it's been helpful for both of us to have someone that understands.

I also have a good friend from a long time ago that I have been chatting with more lately. Her and my story parallel in so many ways, it's not even funny. (Also, not sure what about that would ever be funny...such a strange phrase). We skyped on Monday for a few hours, and it was really nice to chat. She's been going through her own emotional struggles lately. So we've been each other's thunder buddies through all of it. The conversation really lifted my spirits this week. She's such a great friend, and to think we've never met in person. Some people on the internet are awesome people. Sometimes I wish I had a transporter (OK, fine...I wish I had a transporter all the time), so that some of my bestest friends and I could hang out regularly. She's one of those friends I'd visit all the time. She's probably up there with best friends ever...a bff, if you will.

Introvert, Extrovert, or Ambivert?

So at my first counseling session I was asked if I'd describe myself as an introvert. I had to think about it, because I'm not really sure. Introverts are very comfortable alone and with their own thoughts. That's been me most of my life. Social situations are fun, but they are more draining on me than it seems to affect other people. I am not afraid of social situations or anything, and when I'm around people I know, I really have a ton of fun being social. In some ways I feel like I can be extroverted. Maybe I'm ambiverted...not sure. I'm curious from those that know me, how would you describe me? Introverted? Extroverted? Shy? Annoying? Weird? What do you think?

Vlog Stuff

Yes, I know I haven't posted a second vlog yet. I'm working on it. This past weekend had the sails knocked out of me. I have a few scripts to write that I think will work really well. I'm hoping to shoot those this weekend and get them posted. Don't worry. You'll get more silliness from me in video form soon.