I've reached that point where literally everything reminds me of her. This weekend, Elle apologized several times for somehow reminding me of Jess. I had a coworker today apologize as well. I had to tell them both that it's ok, because there's no way to prevent reminding me of her right now. Even when sitting and doing nothing, I'm thinking of her. She's a good 95% of my brain right now plus or minus 5%.

I find myself wondering if she has me on her mind just as much, or if it's a lot less? All I know is that any form of communication between the two of us has been initiated by me. That probably doesn't mean anything. I know it hurts for her, but it has to be at least a little easier because she's coped with the loss longer than I have. Either way, I miss her so much. I never understood it when people said "I miss you so much, it hurts" but I get it now.

I've been experiencing a lot of existentialism lately. I find myself randomly feeling like I'm just a drone walking through a nothing life and wondering if any of it matters. Sometimes it feels like I'm just an observer watching this life unfold instead of actually participating. It's a strange feeling, as if the words I say aren't really mine and that the motions my body makes are being made by someone else. I'm guessing it's probably a common and natural thing for someone in my situation.

What I do know for sure is that right now, as much as I'd like to distract myself with video games, a book, a movie, etc, I have no motivation to do any of those things. I stare at my Steam library at all the games I have available, and nothing is interesting. I look at my DVR, and there's nothing I want to watch. Instead, I refresh the internets and stare at the screen. Sometimes I'm not really even paying attention. I just open a browser, load a page and scroll without really reading what's there. In fact, I've been going to bed early because I don't know what else to do with myself. So, on the bright side, I'm well rested...

On another positive note, I didn't cry today. Work days are much easier than weekend days. I find it interesting that up until the breakup, weekends were the best, and work days were work days. Now, I look forward to work days because they keep my mind off of things. I actually am terrified of weekends now because it means I have all that time to be alone with my thoughts.

I really can't wait to see my family this week though. It'll be nice to be surrounded by people for a few days.

I miss her so much.