Saturday was the Day of the Doctor. I can't help but think about how Jess introduced me to Doctor Who and that a year ago I hadn't yet seen much of the series. I may have only just begun watching it with her. Up until the November 23rd, 2013, I watched every episode with her. I very much looked forward to cuddling up with her and watching the latest antics of the time traveler, his companion, and the blue box. So, I guess to me, it was the day of my doctor. I had been really looking forward to the 50th anniversary special, but it became a bit more somber and sad for me when the day finally came.

I didn't actually watch the simulcast. Instead I chose to be distracted and around company. In this case, it was company I'd never met before. A local person who knows of me through Facebook offered up her guest room to me this weekend. She lives about an hour and a half away from where I presently live. So, it got me out of the house. Her name is Elle, and she's a very nice lady.

We spent Saturday evening chatting over drinks and food. It was a welcome change from what I had been expecting to be a very lonely and very sad weekend. I got to see her family's winery, her lovely house, and a lot of the farm land in and around the Iowa City area. I can't say that I was at my best as a guest though. There were so many times I was quiet, lost in thought and emotion. I guess that's to be expected though. Thanks to Elle for making my weekend a bit less painful.

In my time chatting with Elle, I did come to a realization. This whole breakup has been very painful all around, but I think the thing that hurts me the most is that I was never given the opportunity to fight for the relationship to succeed. I made several suggestions a week ago, but it was made clear to me then that she wasn't interested in that. She never gave me the chance. Instead, it feels like a week ago I was ripped out of the Nexus. In fact, I'm still waiting for the portal to my universe to open up so I can return to where I belong, because I feel like somehow I managed to jump universes a week ago into this hell.

I got back home today around 2:00 pm. As the evening went on, my mood went from mildly neutral to pretty bad in fairly short order. After Thursday, I felt like maybe the tears were mostly behind me. Tonight proved that wrong. I cried a lot tonight. I've been so devoid of happiness that I've been kind of shambling or shuffling around the house at a very slow pace. My feet have been kind of dragging along the floor as I move. It's a pretty sad state of affairs, and seriously, I think Kleenex needs to hire me to be their spokesperson for how much I've been using their product this week. I did eventually watch the Doctor Who Anniversary special, and it was great. I still wish I could have watched it with her.

There are other bad things I need to acknowledge though. During my downtimes this week, including tonight, I've had some very bad thoughts pass through my head. They've been fleeting thoughts only. I don't want anyone to worry, because I'm not by any means at risk. However, I have to at least acknowledge that I had those thoughts pass through my mind when at my lowest and weakest points. If I continue to have these thoughts, I'm going to find a counselor. I may do that anyway. I think it may help me cope.

I'm feeling very broken in so many ways. Having the person I love so much tell me she no longer finds me physically attractive is completely demoralizing and has really taken a toll on my self confidence and self esteem. I'm feeling pretty horrible about myself right now. I'd like to say that I fully understand how Jess's attractions changed and why, but I can't and don't. So, for anyone that has asked me the question of how that happened, I don't really have an answer for you.

A lot of people have also asked me what I'm going to do now. Am I going to stay? Am I going to move? The answer is that I'm not really sure yet. I've told myself that I'm not going to make any big or quick decisions right now. What I do know is that I'm currently in a lease until next August. I also have a job that's pretty good. I really would like to be closer to family and friends. I will write more as I think through things and make decisions.

So I guess things haven't really improved. They've kind of gotten a little worse tonight, but I guess there will be ups and downs as I get through this. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.