It's very cold here. We had freezing rain yesterday, and every time a car drives by, I hear the crunch of ice under the tires. Each time I look over hopefully as if she somehow has decided to come back. I know it won't be her, because she's on her way to visit her family in Arkansas. But it doesn't stop me from my wishful thinking.

Yesterday, an old college friend of mine, Kevin, took time out of his life to drive five hours just to be there for me. I haven't seen Kevin in a good several years, and I'm so thankful for having him as a friend. He helped distract me from my pain and my newfound loneliness. We talked about old times, shared a few drinks, and talked about similar stories of horribly difficult breakups. It was exactly what I needed to help me feel a little less desolate.

I can say I've made a little progress. Thursday I made it through the whole day without crying at work. I was still pretty emotionless, but I did regain the ability to smile, even if fleetingly. I was even able to laugh during the evening chatting with Kevin. So I guess that's good. However, for the most part, I'm still feeling pretty numb and flat. Though tonight, I've had some really emotional moments where the tears have come back. A few steps forward, a few back.

One thing that a few people have been saying is that if they were in my position, they'd be angry on top of all the other feelings. I'm not. I'm sad and I'm heartbroken, but I'm not mad or angry at her. I know how hard this has been for her. I know she's hurting and grieving as much as I am. This has been a devastating loss for her too. I know that she, in no way whatsoever, wanted to hurt me. Neither of us thought we'd ever be in this position. We shared tears together on Sunday night a day after she told me. No, I'm not mad at her. I'm just feeling hopelessly sad and alone now. I wish I could change how she feels, but I know I can't.

Strangely I'm still feeling dizzy. I'm starting to think the dizziness might be something other than what I thought it was. I may have to talk to the doctor about that. It has me a slight bit concerned. It seems a little worse today, but I think it might be because I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night. We'll see tomorrow.

I can't say that I've been looking forward to this weekend. Without anything to do, I've been feeling like this weekend was going to be hell all by myself. Thankfully, a local friend has invited me out to spend the weekend in the Iowa City area. There's a winery out there, and it'll be a good distraction. I'm looking forward to it. I'm also really looking forward to seeing my family next week. I've missed them, and it'll be good to be home.

Some of my conversation with Kevin surrounded what I'm going to do next. I guess the limits on where to go are no longer there. I had pretty much expected that I'd continue to go wherever Jess' career took her. Now, that restriction being gone, I can let my career take me wherever it takes me. My first thought, however, is Madison. I lived there back in 2001, and I really loved the town. There's a great tech sector, a few video game companies, and it's close enough to my family that it's easy to visit them. I'm going to keep that in the back of my mind as time passes and see what happens. I'm definitely not going to make any quick decisions though.

Lastly, the playlist that has been looping in my mind needs to be shared. Three songs continue to play in my head over and over. The first one is "Goodbye, my Lover" by James Blunt. If that song doesn't perfectly epitomize how I'm feeling right now, I don't know what does. The second is a song I hear in my head any time I get depressed. It's an instrumental piece from the film "The Prince of Egypt" called "Death of the First Born" composed by Hans Zimmer. It's a sorrow filled song that speaks to my pain. Lastly, a song I've listened to for years to cope with loneliness and sadness. It's called "Dante's Prayer", written and performed by Loreena McKennitt.

Again, thanks to everyone who's been reading, commenting, and being supportive. You've been wonderful.