Posted on November 21st 2013, 3:05 am
I know...don't blame yourself. Easier said than done. Unfortunately I can't help but feel this way. I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. If I didn't do something wrong, was it my personality? Did I somehow become a bitch? Was I being selfish? Was I not attending to her feelings enough? Was I being lazy? Was I being overbearing? Passive aggressive? or even just plain dull? Was it something I said? Or worse...was it something I didn't say or do? I'm sure everyone will tell me that's not the case, and rational me agrees. Emotional me does not.
When she told me after over three years that she no longer found me attractive, it felt like I failed. I failed her somehow, and I failed myself. I fell short. I wasn't good enough. It makes me feel less than...discarded like a broken or damaged item that's not up to standards. It makes me feel like no one would ultimately want this carcass left behind. Irrational as it may be, it's how I feel right now.
I think I may have trouble with relationships going forward. Now the past two relationships I've been in have ended very abruptly with no warning. I have a feeling I'll be a bit more worried, or even paranoid, that the person I'm with isn't happy. Will I be able to trust them not to hurt me in the end? Will I be willing to open up and be vulnerable again?
As far as today is concerned, the crying is not as frequent, but also not as predictable. I'll be composed, and then one stray thought will pop up, and tears. For the first time today someone took notice that I was sad. I was simultaneously pleased that someone finally noticed, and also unable to respond as I lost control of my feelings again. I would say it was easier to distract myself today, but the tears are still ready and waiting just under the surface.
Otherwise, the sinking feeling, tingling, and dizziness is still present. I'd say now I'm just feeling empty, as if a part of me...the best part of me...is missing. My left hand feels naked without the ring on it. As a memory, I'm wearing the ring I gave her on my right hand. It's still strange though. Sometimes I feel a slight panic like maybe I dropped my ring or forgot it, and then I remember that I didn't. I'm also starting to feel a profound loneliness. I've been so used to having someone to come home to. I don't know how I used to be ok with the emptiness of my homes prior to my relationship with Jess. It's too quiet.
I feel like my brain is starting to accept that she's gone. The past few days my self concept included her and was still inseparable from her. Trying to consider separation was like pulling on a rubber band and having it snap back into shape. Today when I think of the future, I'm starting to think about my future alone and how I'll move forward. I guess that's a good thing, even though it doesn't make me happy.
Over the next few days, friends have offered to come and provide me with some company as well as offer up things to do. I think that'll be good. I could use more hugs. I may not get to post tomorrow night, but I will definitely post again Friday. Thanks again for all the messages of support.