Posted on August 10th 2009, 5:27 am
Almost 9 months ago now, my ex girlfriend broke up with me and served me a nice, cold dish of humble pie. I hadn't been blogging much prior to that for at least a year, and what she told me really prompted me to start again. She told me I had ego issues. She was right. Since then, I've been doing what I can to work on that. I'm proud to say things have gotten better, but we're always a work in progress, right? This weekend, I finally admitted to myself that I have a few other issues. I'm selfish and I always have to be right about everything.
I'm a perfectionist, and while some may value that, I'm starting not to. That perfectionism plays into the whole "have to be right all the time" issue. I have this inner need that comes out in a debate that I have to show the other person that my logic is right. The worst is that it comes into play in the stupidest of arguments. Chris and I will have debates over silly things like how to refer to this coming weekend versus next weekend. It's stuff not worth being pushy about or even wasting the time to debate it. Yet, something inside me pushes on. I think this need to be right plays into the ego / talk down to people issue that Jenn broke up with me over. Maybe my ego isn't as big as she thought...I just have to be right.
As far as my being selfish goes...it's something I've been aware of for a long time, but I've been in denial of. It came to a point this weekend when Chris asked me if I was ok with us watching a friend's daughter for a few hours. I said ok at first, but as time passed, I realized that my Saturday was now no longer mine. I had wanted no responsibility this weekend and now I had to be there with this kid. To top it off, I'm not much for babysitting to begin with. I find myself awkward around children. I'm just not used to them. I was awkward around cats before I adopted Meat. Anyway, so what it comes down to is I got upset with Chris because he ruined my weekend by offering to help someone else. How dare he? right? As we were fighting, at one point I slapped my hand on my forehead wondering what my problem was. I didn't even know exactly why I was upset. By the time we finished with the argument, I realized I was more mad at myself than I was at Chris. I couldn't believe I was being so selfish. I was so ashamed. I got in my car and drove while I started to cry a bit. I realized I am what I never wanted to be...selfish, egotistical, and a bitch.
After I had that realization during the random driving, I gave Chris a call and apologized. We talked a little and he was understanding as well as forgiving. I'm so very lucky to have such a great friend. I've been using some of my alone time this weekend to really think about things. I interviewed my little sister years ago for the documentary I had intentions of making then. She said that I was selfish and egotistical then. I didn't believe her. I saw her as the selfish one. Now I'm realizing that she was right. I feel I owe her an apology, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready to. I've only just allowed myself to become aware of the issue. Maybe I should spend some time working on the issues first. Then agian, maybe now is the best time. I don't know.
So, a bit of personal growth for me this weekend. These realizations told me a lot. It tells me I'm unhappy with myself. I see a pretty face in the mirror, but I know the person underneath isn't who I want to be. The good news is that with time, patience, and work, I know I can better myself. The first step is admitting you have a problem. So wish me luck in solving it. Chris said to me that it's unfortunate because now's when I should be happy. I just got settled in at a new location with a brand new, fantastic job. Self struggle can happen at even the best of times, I guess.
Anyway, enough of this depressing talk, let's talk about what else is going on. Tonight I visited the LGBT Community Center of the Chippewa Valley. They had a board meeting tonight, and in a month or two, they'll be voting for new board members. I'm going to run for membership of the board. I really want to get actively involved in the community again, and this just seems like the right path for that. It's a great resource, and I think I can make a difference there. I have skills that, from what it sounds, the center could really use right now. They were happy to see me. I know some of the members of the board from college. So, it's nice to be among friends.
On the front of giving back to the community, I was also asked to present a forum at UW Eau Claire on October 22nd. It'll probably run 2 hours or so. It'll be about trans issues, of course. Specifically, they want me to relate the subject matter to my experiences at the University. So it should be fun. If you're going to be in the area, and you've never heard me speak, come. It'll be a fun time. It may not be the most exciting thing to do on a Tuesday night, but it'll still be fun.
To add to all of that, my good friend at the University, Professor Fessler, has already asked me if I'd like to lecture her Monday night class at some point this fall. Sounds like I'll be a regular fixture in the syllabus. That's always exciting. I miss speaking in her classes. She always has such an interesting and energetic group of students. I don't think I've ever had a disappointing group. I look forward to it.
There was a recent book published here in the Eau Claire area. It was written by two parents with two gay children, and apparently it's a wonderful read. The two authors have been doing a lot of book signings and are planning on doing a few forums too. So it's exciting to have them here in this area and benefiting the world. They've had me thinking about the book I've wanted to write for years. I'm strongly considering talking to my Professor friend, and several others, about helping me get my book underway. I have my outline, it's just got to move on from there. I'll bring it up next time I talk to her.
Let's see...what else is new. Last weekend I helped my friend Adam move across town...in Madison, which is three hours away. I also helped my friend Leia move as well. It was a tiring weekend. Then this weekend, Chris and I decided to move a bunch of stuff around in our house. The guest room is now a guest room / den. Since I'm not doing freelance anymore, there's no need for a dedicated office. So we've moved the futon up and moved my iMac as well. Now we can relax and watch netflix or Hulu from a comfy futon. We also have an old school analog TV with a VCR (remember those?) and a super Nintendo. We're considering putting a Dreamcast there too. So, it's exciting. In fact, I'm in the Den right now typing this blog entry.
I got my new Android phone that was burning a hole in my pocket. That has been a lot of fun. So far, it hasn't disappointed at all. I'm loving it. I'm glad I didn't switch providers just for the iPhone. I'm actually considering being even more nerdy and developing an app or two for the phone. I think it'd be hilarious to have a rotary phone dialer on there. Plus, my friend Tracy's last name is Apps. I think it'd be so much fun to develop two apps called "Tracy". That way there would be the "Tracy" Apps. Seriously though, I do want to develop something for the phone. I just need a solid idea, other than the rotary dialer. What do you think I should develop?
Chris and I held "bad movie night" just over a week ago. We watched Street Fighter: the Legend of Chun Li and Dragonball: Evolution. I've seen Dragonball before, and I have to say, it has really grown on me. It's not nearly as bad as I remember it. Don't get me wrong, it's not a great movie by any means, but it's got a coherent story, captures the spirit of the anime, and is actually pretty fun to watch. Street Fighter, however, was complete garbage. There was no real redeeming factor to the film at all. The plot is laughably bad and has no real solid footing at all. The acting is gag-able. The effects are cheezy, fighting is bad, and really...there's no reason to see the film unless you want to make fun of it. If you truly want to watch a terrible film, see it. It's that bad. We had a blast watching it.
The job is still going exceedingly well. I love it so far. I'm starting to feel like I fit in, and it's not quite feeling like I'm just filling in for someone for a few weeks. This move was certainly a great thing. Now that I have a job and am feeling a bit of security, I was able to fix my car too. So, while the air conditioning is still broken, at least the tie rod is not going to fail on me while driving.
There's a lot happening in this post, but the question of the post is easy: What was your experience getting a slice of humble pie?