I'm sitting currently in a coffee shop in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin taking some time to sit, think, and contemplate where things are going next in my life.  With the unemployment up in the air, and really an uncertainty as to what I'm going to do in the coming months, I've found myself at a crossroads.  There's a lot of possibilities and I really have to address those head on.

First I want to address the title of this post.  I've had major up days and major down days lately.  Since getting the hearing notice, it's been more down days, and more extreme lows for me than up days.  Yesterday was probably the worst of the down days.  I think the lack of sleep combined with the stress I've been feeling lately has just exacerbated the whole situation.

It's a little scary to be honest.  I can easily say that I've not felt this depressed since prior to transition.  I could feel the weight of depression on my body.  I felt numb the whole day aside from when I first got on the road to drive to Milwaukee.  That's when my unhappiness burst out of me.  I was crying so hard...like I haven't cried in a long while.  I found myself speaking the words "This isn't my life" and "why is this happening" almost as if it was unvoluntary.

I think the thing that scared me the most was that I was thinking about things that were not pleasant.  I wasn't thinking about actually committing suicide, but I pondered if things would get that bad that I would think about it.  Even that scared me.  I don't want to be even be pondering even the possibility.

The good news in all of this is that I know how to cope with these feelings.  For all of you that are concerned about me, please know that I WILL push through this.  I appreciate all of the support you all have given so far.  I have to give a special shout out to Adam and Chris.  Both of them are always there to listen.  They are true heroes in my book.  Thanks guys!

It's time to switch to positive topics.  I had a video shoot yesterday that, despite my mood, went swimmingly.  I was worried the quality would be sacrificed because of my mindset, but thankfully, the shoot kept me distracted.  I had a good time.  I love shooting.  I also had an edit to finish, and I was able to do that as well.  I got kudos from the producer involved as being able to really turn the lemon video that was shot by someone else into lemonade.  She really liked it.

I ran into an old friend on Tuesday.  I was on my alma mater campus at UW Eau Claire, and while I was walking around...Dale Larson appeared.  I will admit that in the past, Dale has been the butt of jokes.  On top of that, even in my blog in the past, I've voiced some mean opinions about him.  I have to say...all of those things have been mean and immature.  Dale, I truly apologize.

Anyway, running into Dale was a wonderful experience.  We chatted about life post college and our frustrations in the corporate world.  We have a lot in common with our working experiences.   He's had experiences that have totally put him off to the corporate world.  Plus, he's very passionate about LGBT issues and really wants to do work that deals directly with the LGBT community.  Neither of us really knows how to make that a career.

Dale is back in school since he had no luck with a Bachelors.  When I told him about my desires and my interest in possibly returning to school myself, he actually made a really interesting suggestion.  He suggested I consider UW Stout as a school since they are trying to be more of a polytechnical school that's a four year college.  They're very near to Chippewa where I live, and they have a lot of cool programs.  When he said that, I was like...wow...that's true.  I really should consider that.

I took a look at their program list and found one that's all about computer game programming and design.  It'd be another four years in school with more debt and what not, but it would open doors that were closed before.  All things considered, it could actually be very beneficial for me.  I could commute and possibly find a part time job that's decent instead of a full time job.  Or I could work on my own business.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on that idea.

Speaking of the business, I have set up an appointment with the University's small business development center to discuss the business prospects I may have.  I figure there are plenty of opportunities to turn my talents into a career that makes money.  I just don't know how.  This is a free service, and it'll be great to actually get some professional help with this whole business thing since I have so little experience with it myself.

I think one of the things that triggered me going to that office is the unemployment class I had to go to Tuesday morning.  I got singled out by the state as someone that might need the class.  So as a requirement, I had to go.  Really though, it was a waste of time.  The only information I got out of it that I didn't already know was a list of job websites in the area.  Unfortunately I had to go to the class or lose my unemployment benefits...which of course I still may lose.  At least the whole thing got me to set up an appointment though.

Speaking of unemployment (I seem to have the segways down today), I've had little confidence lately on whether I'd win the hearing or not.  Yesterday I was certain I'd lose.  Today, after talking to my father and showing him the hearing documents, he feels I have a pretty good chance of winning.  So today my spirits are up.

Chris thinks that having all this time before the hearing is a good thing.  It allows me to fully think through what I might do afterwards in either result.  I know the worst case, and I know the best case.  I think that by the time the hearing happens, I'll know what I'm going to do regardless of the outcome.  I think by then, I'll be resolved and confident.

In the worst case scenario, I'll have to file bankruptcy.  A part of me craves the relief that would bring.  I'd likely lose my cell phone and most of my electronic trinkets, but I think there's a bit of a comfort in a clean slate.  Sure, it's on my credit report for 10 years, but I won't owe anyone anything.  I can go into my future with a healthier financial approach.  Of course, in the best case, I can live until I get my next job safely and will be able to get by just fine too.  In the end, it will work out just fine.  Things always do.

Tonight, I have been invited to dinner with my good friend Mike and his girlfriend.  It'll be good to see him again and to talk about life and so forth.  There are quite a few people I miss in Milwaukee, and he is one of them.  I'll get to see a few of those people this weekend at Pridefest.  I've already got the camera and am excited to get going.  I think I'm going to buy some shoes tonight so my feet don't hurt like hell by Monday.  I'll be taking some photos and will do my best to post a few of them next week.

Well, I've finished my dark chocolate Mocha, and now I'm just loitering in this coffee shop.  I better sign off for now.  Catch ya'll soon.