Today, I listened to this song and really heard the lyrics for the first time:

There was a time when women were kind

When their voices were soft

And their words inviting

There was a time when love was blind

And the world was a song

And the song was exciting

There was a time

Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

And dreams were made and used and wasted

There was no ransom to be paid

No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night

With their voices soft as thunder

As they tear your hope apart

And they turn your dream to shame

She slept a summer by my side

She filled my days with endless wonder

She took my childhood in her stride

But she was gone when autumn came

And still I dream she'll come to me

That we will live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

I know...the original lyrics had male pronouns.  I changed them to fit my life.  Listening to this song today...I cried.  Holidays are hard, even the Hallmark ones.  I love my family, I truly truly do.  When you're always the odd one out, it's difficult...at least for me it is.  I looked around the dining room today and saw my older sister and her husband.  My older sister is pregnant.  Both of them work.  They own a house.  They're doing just fine...well in fact.  Then I look at my little sister.  She works a nicely paying job.  Actually she has two jobs, one of which is a weekend job overnights once in a while.  Her husband works too.  They live in a nice house with nice appliances and a nice yard.  They're getting by very well.  I'd even say comfortably.  Then there's me.  I'm unemployed, single, destitute, and am relying on friends to get me by right now.  It's so easy to think of myself as a failure.  That's how I felt today while my sisters were cooking this expensive meal and giving my mother a nice gift.  I sat there with my cheap card feeling worthless.

I remember feeling like I owned the world when I was in college.  I felt like I could do anything and nothing could stop me.  I felt like my dreams were just within reach.  I just had to graduate and everything would fall into place.  I felt like I could be anything and do anything.  In fact, people used to ask me how I was so successful.  I had friends stop me and ask that question, and I'd say that there were no walls in the future, only obstacles to get around.  Now...I feel like all there are are big walls with doors that keep slamming in my face.  I feel like dreams are just that...dreams.  The reality is that people wake up from those dreams and have to deal with the reality of life...which is cruel, unfair, and doesn't care.

I feel like I was such a fool to think that I could even make a glimmer of a difference in this world.  The world doesn't want people that make a difference.  It wants "Yes men".  It wants drones and cattle.  It wants people to just maintain the status quo.

I'm sick of people telling me I'm so lucky because I got to transition.  I'm not saying I'm not thrilled and grateful to have had the priviledge to do so.  I totally am...but people tell me that like "Awww...you lost your job...but you got to transition"...or..."Awww...you're girlfriend broke up with you...but at least you go to transition". I'm sorry but that doesn't change the fact that the rest of my life sucks.  All it says is if I died tomorrow, I'd be content that I died being who I am.  The fact that I transitioned doesn't change the fact that I'm unemployed, lonely, and feel very helpless right now.

I dreamed that I could be a success.  I dreamed that I'd find love.  I dreamed that I'd write and produce things that would make a difference.  Right now...I'd be lucky to make ends meet.  I had a dream my life would be....different from this hell I'm living. So different now from what it seemed.  Now life has killed...

the dream.