I just finished watching the movie "Imagine Me and You" with Piper Perabo and Lena Headey.  It was a beautiful story.  I cried a lot watching it.  I recommend it to anyone looking for a love story...but also a loss story.  Piper and Lena are beautiful.  I felt so much like Luce (Lena Headey) throughout most of the film.  She's in love with the woman who is married.  I know how that feels...not so much with the woman that is married part, but with the woman that is unavailable or unattainable.  At one point they talk about falling in love at first sight.  The emotions described were the same feelings I felt when I first saw Sondra walk in the room.  I'll probably never experience that again in my life, but I think I am a more complete person for experiencing it then.

Really I started thinking though...about my sexuality.  I think I've started to come to an understanding.  I don't think there's a true label for me.  If I were to describe my attractions, I'd say I'm physically attracted to women 90%, men 10%.  Sexually though, I'd say I'm 5% women, 1% men, 94% asexual.  I've struggled with this idea of what my sexual attractions are for years.  I thought maybe as I got older, maybe they'd become more apparent.  Maybe as I transitioned, things would be clear.  Maybe if I found the right person, I'd become this very sexual creature.  Really though, I think I'm starting to come to the conclusion that I'm just mostly not interested in sex.  I can't say that I'm completely not interested, because there are moments.  But overall...it just doesn't matter to me.

I guess this just confirms what I've been thinking for a while now.  I'm not looking for a sexual partner.  I'm looking for a companion.  I want a best friend that's there most of the time.  I want someone to cuddle up next to, and someone to share secrets with.  That's it.

Still...I don't even know if I am designed to be with someone.  I've been alone for so much of my life that I think maybe I'm just best off alone.  A big part of me wants to take some sort of vow. Not of celibacy...because being asexual really makes that vow a waste of time.  I don't know if there is a term for taking vow to be single..but that's what I've been thinking about.  I wonder if I'm happier alone.  I really do.  I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on that.