Posted on July 25th 2004, 4:51 am
Jill read my e-mail and talked to me today. Part of me is glad she did, the other part wishes she didn't. I think the perfect thing would have been just an explanation and a goodbye. Now she's in my head again. It's like I have to get over the whole thing once more. She had feelings for me, but she's definitely not comfortable with me. I can tell that much. I don't think she will be either. She's found a girl, and I told her in the e-mail that she should stay with this girl. Just because she feels bad about how she treated me doesn't mean she should forfeit future happiness with someone. I forgave her for hurting me. I keep getting told that I shouldn't have, that I'm too nice. Maybe that's true, but I also was never really angry. I was just hurt and disappointed. She gave me an explanation, and that's all I wanted. That's enough for me.
She admitted that she broke her promise to me that she would at least say goodbye. She apologized to me for that, and she knows that I don't necessarily trust her anymore. I've been preoccupied all day with thoughts of this whole thing. It doesn't help either that she's out with her girl tonight. Speaking of which, she is no longer dating this girl I guess. They're just friends with benefits, which is one of those concepts I just never understood all that much. I keep trying to tell myself I'm not interested in her anymore. I don't want to wait for her anymore. I don't want to be hurt, or preoccupied anymore. Something tells me this isn't over though. I think something may be coming yet...good or bad.
I'm so sick of being hurt. She said to me the thing that every girl tells me: You're wonderful and you'll find that special girl for you someday. When are they going to stop telling me that and finally be that special girl. I always say, and someone always yells at me for saying it, that some people are not meant to be with anyone. I'm one of those people. The more times things like this happen to me, the more I believe that statement though. Maybe it's self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe it's bullshit...who knows. I just know that it's been a long time since I've been with anyone, and never have I been with anyone for any decent length of time. Let's just say my past doesn't give me much hope for my future.
She told me about a conversation she had recently with her brother. He tends to be pretty straight forward about things, a little blunt might be the way to put it. She told him about everything that happened between us. After I told her about me being trans, she started thinking of my emotions and thoughts as male. She thought that I'm strong and tough and could take it. Her brother said to her that I probably felt it more than she did because not only do I have the thoughts of a female and emotions of a female... I also have the added stress of being a trans girl. So the feelings of rejection and abandonment set in two fold. I was awed by that statement. He couldn't have said it more perfectly.
So now I'm trying to deal with this all over again. I'm worried that talking to her now will keep bringing back my feelings for her and reminding me of what happened. I don't want to fall in love with her, and I know that could happen. I need to get her out of my head. I hope I can find some way to do that. I think I'm going to start working on a story I've been meaning to write for a while. That may help me a lot. We'll see. Maybe I'll even post it online. I'll keep you posted on it.