Posted on July 14th 2004, 12:42 am
That's pretty much it for Jill as far as I can tell. I haven't heard from her since last Thursday. She never called or came online. That's the second time this year an internet girl I had a major crush on totally hurt me. I was probably too clingy or pushy or something. Or maybe she just realized she didn't need to deal with her issues with me being transgender. She's gorgeous. She can be with whichever girl she wants to be with. When I first met her, I just knew that this girl was too perfect for me. Something would happen to mess it up, and it would be something I did. I usually make an ass of myself.
Anyway, I realized it Saturday, but I didn't want to believe it. I was crying a lot on Saturday too. I kept myself as distracted as possible. Sunday I had to work, so that distracted me pretty well. Monday was the day in which I would be sure she was ditching me or not. When I never heard from her...I knew for sure. I feel so unwanted...unattractive...last choice. My friends have been trying to cheer me up. Greg and his girlfriend stopped in last night. My friend Kevin bought me dinner today. It all helps, but after three times this year getting shoved aside...it gets to be a bit depressing. Negative reinforcement you might say. I guess it's no different from the norm though. I've felt pretty low about myself since I was very little. Now I'm happier with who I am, but my self image will probably always be pretty low. I feel so pathetic.
Tonight I get to at least distract myself with the thought that the new site design is finally live after probably a month and a half of work. Also, I'm going to see Mean Girls tonight with a friend. Lindsey Lohan is pretty cute...though a bit young. So at least it won't be all bad. Anyway, I should probably go. The movie starts shortly and I don't know if I have enough money. See ya.